Database changes have finished applying - please report any issues you're (still) seeing to support@shoutwiki.com.

ANGERY

From Martian's D&D
Jump to navigation Jump to search

It's easier to assume I don't like anything until I say I like it.

Funny names[edit | edit source]

Literally just because I had a dream where I called Brett a "DC Comics name having ass".
DC and having 2 first names:

  • Bruce Wayne and family
  • Dick Grayson
  • Jason Todd
  • Tim Drake
  • Barbara Gordon and family
  • Cassandra Cain and father
  • Clark Kent and family
  • Hal Jordan
  • John Stewart
  • Barry Allen
  • Dinah Drake
  • Selina Kyle
  • Slade Wilson and family
  • Alan Scott
  • Kate Kane and family
  • Jefferson Pierce
  • John Constantine (counts even if no one's been called it in like 500 years)

Marvel and alliteration

  • Peter Parker
  • Stephen Strange
  • Matt Murdock
  • Reed Richards
  • Bruce Banner
  • Jessica Jones
  • Wade Wilson
  • Scott Summers
  • Doctor Doom/Victor Von Doom
  • Otto Octavius
  • Susan Storm
  • Robbie Reyes
  • Happy Hogan
  • "Bucky" Barnes
  • Curt Connors

The The Batman Review[edit | edit source]

Pros:

  • 9/10.
  • Earth One/Telltale adaption pretty much.
  • Big ups on the Hush reference, Riddler might be Hush? They do give his real name as Edward Nashton, but he does get a bit riled up about Edward Elliott's death when its mentioned. Paul Dano is notably credited as "The Riddler" and not "Edward Nashton".

Cons:

  • The Falcone subplot appears and is resolved entierly in the 2nd act and mucks with the pacing a bit.

Batman tierlist:

  1. The Dark Knight/Batman Begins
  2. The Batman
  3. Batman & Robin
  4. Batman
  5. Batman '66
  6. The Dark Knight Rises
  7. Justice League
  8. Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice
  9. Haven't seen Batman Returns or Batman Forever in full.

Halo Sandbox Tierlist[edit | edit source]

Overall[edit | edit source]

  1. Halo CE - no overlap, everything has its own niche. Magnum is a bit of an issue.
  2. Halo Infinite - smallest overlap.
  3. Halo 3 ODST - Halo 3's sandbox but better. SMG stands out from AR with the scope and range, Magnum isn't an articulated paperweight and the BR is gone.
  4. Halo 3 - Spiker and SMG are redundant with the AR back in the game. Beam rifle is also not that different from the Sniper Rifle, but that's a legacy problem.
  5. Halo Reach - Spiker and Plasma Repeater are made redundant by the AR and Plasma Rifle, and by each other. Focus Rifle is a good Covenant sniper-analogue that doesn't cover the hitscan 2-hit/1-hit role.
  6. Halo 4 - Would be higher than Reach, but having both the DMR and the BR in the same game is kinda iffy. Railgun is basically a less powerful Spartan Laser, only benefit compared to Splaser is the ammo count. Also Beam Rifle. Kinda funny that the SAW, an LMG, takes on the same role as the SMG, despite the two being completely opposite ends of the automatic weapon scale.
  7. Halo 2 - Battle Rifle. Also introduced the Beam Rifle, which was admittedly more distinct from the Sniper here because it had a higher fire rate. Kinda funny how the biggest difference between the CE AR and the 2 SMG is that you can dual wield the SMG. They even have the same crosshair, which is a big deal when every weapon in Halo has a unique crosshair.

Per game[edit | edit source]

  • Halo CE
    • Magnum good
    • Shotgun has a longer range than the AR
    • AR is bee swarm that nontheless minces unshielded enemies at shotgun range.
    • Rocket launcher has a longer delay between shots than other games.
    • Plasma Rifle stunlocking fellas was a good way to have it stand out from the Plasma Pistol and AR.
    • Needler is fucking annoying in campaign because the damage is only applied when the needles shatter. You can get sprayed, hop into cover and then die because the needles took a while to pop.
  • Halo 2
    • Battle Rifle. When you need people to look in the files to prove it's not hitscan, you have a problem.
    • Brute shot is based and Prophet-pilled in multiplayer and against the Flood. Melee counts as Sword against Flood.
    • Shotgun got overnerfed.
    • Energy Sword has insane lunge distance and speed. Swordfly time.
  • Halo 3
    • Spiker is kinda useless.
    • SMG has the magazine size over AR but since the damage is less its not really better.
    • Dual Maulers good.
    • Shotgun has exact same stats as Halo 2 but with tighter spread, so its effective range is longer. Also down to 6 shots.
    • Brute Shot still based and Prophet-pilled against the Flood. Melee stills functions as a Sword so you can one-hit Pure Forms without any ammo loss.
  • Halo 3 ODST
    • SMG now has the range to outcompete the AR, magazine reduction might've been a bit much but it works.
    • Formerly the perfect Magnum balance wise.
    • AR is really only good for getting shields down before a punch in multiplayer.
  • Halo Reach
    • Plasma Repeater does shit damage, has really bad spread and overheats insanely fast. Allegedly the only Plasma weapon to do more damage to Health than Shields. Does look kinda neat though.
    • Focus Rifle is a great sniper-analogue without overlap.
    • Concussion Rifle not as good as Brute Shot.
    • Magnum as a "pocket DMR" is a weird idea, seing as its really only useful against unshielded enemies. Bloom is obscene on it.
    • Shotgun has same stats as Halo 3 but with decreased damage fall-off and overall range. They got it in a good place.
  • Halo 4
    • Railgun is just a Splaser that trades damage and zoom for more ammo and maybe a faster reload/cooldown.
    • DMR and BR competing for the same spot. After they nerfed the DMR, the BR's ability to pop shields and get a headshot in the same burst made it king once more.
    • SAW seems to be more stable/less bloom than the AR, which makes sense. Neat way of giving it more range without it being too oppressive.
  • Halo 5
    • All I really remember is that the Magnum was once again the best gun in the game.
    • Shotgun was a bit shit, slow RoF, 5 shots and advanced movement make AR burst/melee just as effective.
  • Halo Infinite
    • Perfect Magnum/Pistol. Something that's useful if you're good with it and supporting yourself at range if you don't have another precision weapon.
    • Finally, an AR that's outright good in multiplayer. Short bursts and the headshot damage multiplier make it a viable alternative to the Sidekick.
    • Skewer could do with some more telegraphing since it OHK's even on body shots.
    • Shock Rifle seems to actually be a projectile weapon with a fancy effect to look like a beam. Headshot OHKs are possible.
    • Stalker Rifle really shines without the Carbine or Beam Rifle in the game, being a kinda combo of both.
    • Ravager could do with an AoE increase, or maybe making the trajectory flatter.
    • It's Manglin' time.

GOATs[edit | edit source]

  • 800-899
    • Alfred the Great
  • 900-999
    • Leif Erikson
  • 1000-1099
    • Edward the Confessor or William the Bastard/Conqueror (don't remember who was chosen)
  • 1100-1199
    • Saladin
  • 1200-1299
    • Genghis Khan
  • 1300-1399
    • Henry V
  • 1400-1499
    • Johannes Gutenberg
  • 1500-1599
    • Connor's vote: Martin Luther
    • Ross's vote: Hernan Cortes (tie broke by Connor O'Toole)
    • Brett's vote: Galileo
  • 1600-1699
    • Connor: Charles II of Spain
    • Ross: Gustavus Adolphus
    • Brett: Isaac Newton
  • 1700-1799
    • Frederick the Great
  • 1800-1899
    • Napoleon I
  • 1900-1999
    • Connor: Clement Attlee
    • Ross: Gene Rodenberry
    • Brett: FDR (tie broken by Connor O'Toole)
  • 2000-2099
    • Connor: Todd Howard
    • Ross: George W Bush or Benjamin Netanyahu
    • Brett: Angela Merkel
    • Alex: Notch
    • O'Toole: Angela Merkel

The Tenet Review/weiveR teneT ehT[edit | edit source]

Pros:

  • Pretty good overall, fairly satisfying at the end when everything makes sense.
  • Reinforces that Robbie P. is gonna be great as Batman.
sonC
  • The first half of the film is fucking rough to watch. Things just happen, and not all of them are related to the time travel. Like, the Protagonist is a CIA agent or something, gets declared dead, gets told 'Tenet' and then left to his own devices, and somehow knows where to go next, summons Robbie P. out of thin air and has unlimited resources with no explanation. The whole 'declared dead so you can be super-duper-secret' thing kinda implied he'd be on his own, not able to call in at least three different teams with substantial resources.

Dark Souls - Simp or Twink?[edit | edit source]

Dark Souls 1
Twinks Simps
Dark Sun Gwyndolin - even if he was technically force-femmed Gwyn. Lord of Cinder - simps for the First Flame
Laurentius of the Great Swamp - twink through and through, found in a barrel waiting for a woman to eat him Ornstein & Smough - both simp for Gwyndolin
Oswald of Carim - wears all leather but has a face comparable in smoothness to a baby Seath the Scaleless - simps for Dragon scales
Domnhell of Zena - wears a metal BDSM mask Bed of Chaos - also simps for the First Flame
Eingyi - the über-simp
Petrus/Vince/Nico of Thorolund - all simp for Reah
Kingseeker Frampt - simps for the Chosen Undead
Darkstalker Kaathe - simps for humanity as a whole
Knight Solaire - simps for the sun
Honourary mentions
Chads Incels
Andre of Astora - beefcake Knight Lautrec
Siegmeyer of Catarina - hmmm
Patches the Hyena - absolute chad, has the biggest balls of any Dark Souls character
Pinwheel - übermensch

The Rise of Skywalker Review[edit | edit source]

Watch Cats instead, if only for a chance to get Cats 2. Obvious spoilers. And a light Fallen Order one for scenes that were nicked from other Star Wars stuff.

Positives
  • Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver and Richard E. Grant continually prove that they are really too good to be in this fucking thing. Isaac genuinely has more chemistry with a nice lady who never shows her face than any other 2 cast members do. Driver manages to get across Kylo's conflict even when the script just sorta has him jump sides for no reason. Richard E. Grant/General Pryde is just the First Order's Tarkin but boy is he good as it. Actually manages to retain his dignity and thus I wish the rumours of him playing Thrawn were true.
  • Brings in a lot of EU Force powers, like Healing and pseudo-undead stuff.
  • C-3P0 finally gets treated like the piece of shit he is.
Negatives
  • Continues to ignore the prequels even to its detriment. They even got Hayden Christensen for the patented "Rey hears Jedi voices" bit but couldn't be bothered to have him as a Force Ghost. Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Windu get included in the voices though, so that's a plus. As does Kanan, apparently.
  • Ahsoka's voice is in the Jedi-voices bit, which means JJ's fucking killed her. Ezra isn't in it, the cock waffle.
  • The Kamino theme plays during the aforementioned "Poe has better chemistry with a faceless, 3 scene woman than anyone else in the goddamn film has with each other." No clue why, maybe John's just getting lazy in his old age.
  • It's never explained how Palpatine survived, nor how he managed to build a fleet of fully-manned Star Destroyers without anyone noticing. They've all got mini-Deathstar cannons on them too, so they're not Imperial surplus, and christ knows where he got the Kyber for those.
  • Palpatine's survival is literally revealed in the opening crawl. He broadcasts a message about 'revenge' and that's it. No reaction to this is shown, it's just sorta accepted that it's real and he's alive.
  • Wookieepedia says Rey is 20 during IX/was born in 15 ABY, which means her dad/Palpatine's son was alive during Return of the Jedi. Why, who with, and when the son was had is never even mentioned, nor is why said son decided to try and be a "nobody", had his own child and then sold her to fucking Unkar Plutt to keep Palpatine from finding her.
  • Palpatine is mounted to what is basically the lovechild of the Golden Throne mixed with GLaDOS. He also might be a lich, 'cause he looks fucking dead and his fingers are decayed as fuck.
  • Palpatine's entire plan is to have Rey kill him so that he, and the "other Sith inside" can possess her. Why it needs to be a relative is never explained, nor is the sudden fact that the previous Sith spirits are literally living inside Palpatine - presumably including Maul, Tyranus, Plagueis, Bane, the now-canon Revan and maybe Vader. And the whole "a thousand generations live in you now" thing isn't a metaphor for being the last Jedi anymore, it is fucking literally with their spirits - hence the Jedi-voices thing above. Plus, Palpatine's plan changes like 3 times in one scene, which would be like him if they weren't all contradictory. First it's have Kylo be Emperor while Palps watches over him, then it's have Rey be Empress, then it's possess Rey, then it's absorb her and Kylo's life Force to restore himself. And if Rey was ever part of the plan, why did Snoke, outright stated to just be Palpatine's puppet, try and have her killed?
  • I am genuinely surprised that Rey didn't just show up with a new lightsaber, JJ, and that Kylo didn't pick up Vader's saber from the Emperor's Throne Room. And then she fucking buries Anakin/Luke's saber, and Leia's, at the Lars homestead, blissfully unaware of the fact that Leia has never been to Tatooine and Anakin not only despised the entire planet but was only at that homestead for like a day, during which he found, lost and buried his mother. And then she has a fucking yellow lightsaber at the end, for no reason whatsoever.
  • Luke literally just pulls the fact that both he and Leia knew Rey was Palpatine's grandaughter out of his arse. Kylo somehow knows too.
  • You'd think that given time, secrecy, and the resources to create an entire fleet of Star Destroyers, Palaptine might've gone for Super Star Destroyers. The numbers difference wouldn't be that big, and SSDs are almost impossible to take down, even without shields.
  • The convenient dagger matches up perfectly with the ruined DS-II orbital battle station and has a fucking arrow that points to the macguffin pyramid. Why this centuries old weapon is a perfect match for the ruins of a moon-sized space station that wasn't even supposed to blow up is fucking odd, as is that fact that it was needed when it turns out the arrow is just pointing to the goddamn Throne Room.
  • Ah yes, Exogol, the planet of the Sith. Moraband/Korriban just has good PR.
  • Finn is Force-sensitive. Not revealed in the film, just said by JJ in an interview. That's nice JJ.
  • god i fucking hate this film.
  • Rips off:
    • The pulling down spaceship from Force Unleashed.
    • 2 people competeing and pulling something about from Last Jedi.
    • The lightsaber repair from Fallen Order.
    • Bad dude tries to convince goody to join the Dark Side so that he doesn't have to kill goody from Empire Strikes Back.
    • The prison break from New Hope/Force Awakens.
    • Bad dude who tried to convince goody to join them has a fight with goody, but isn't trying to kill them from Empire Strikes Back.
    • Falcon’s sublight engines blow enemies away from Force Awakens.
    • Goody learns of evil and unexpected parentage and responds by jumping off a height from Empire Strikes Back, but done in the style of Red Vs. Blue Season 9 Episode 3 "Number One".
    • X-Wing is lifted from underwater by a Jedi master to help motivate a student who has given up, comeplete with Yoda's theme and Mark Hamill actually mimicking the puppet's expression, from Empire Strikes Back.
    • Palpatine shows goody their friends getting their ass whooped in space to turn them to the Dark Side, from Return of the Jedi.
    • Palpatine gets his lightning reflected back at him from Revenge of the Sith, and clearly hasn't learned his lesson because this time it fucking kills him.
    • Palpatine dies and somehow the entire First Order just fucking goes down too, complete with shots of celebrations from all across the galaxy from Return of the Jedi.
    • Bad dude helped kill Palpatine to save goody and dies for his efforts from Return of the Jedi. Especially ironic because apparently Adam Driver only signed up because JJ said Kylo was gonna have the opposite of Vader's arc.
  • I'm gonna shake JJ's baby.

The Joker Review[edit | edit source]

Pros:

  • Pretty neat.
  • Even more convinced it just had the names swapped out by WB.
  • Pretty much a modern day Taxi Driver.
  • It is actually entirely possible for Mr Phoenix to come back as Mr J with Pattinson B-Man
  • 11:10

Cons:

  • Not entirely sure when it's set. Everything is 70s style and there are still B&W TVs, but a newspaper shown mentions a disaster in Ukraine, so it's mid 80s. Given who its about and the implication that he's just telling the story to someone, I can excuse it.
  • Alfred looks like Ricky Gervais.

The Time Travel Treatise[edit | edit source]

How come Marty started disappearing in BttF 1, when BttF 2 brought up alternate timelines. Shouldn't he have been fine because of that? Doc was fine in alt-1985.

See, we got 10 sets of time travel rules:

  • BttF 1 - timeline is mutable, but the time traveller isn't affected by the changes unless it outright stops them being born.
  • BttF 2 - changing things results in an alternate timeline. Can be changed back. Technically immutable, because you just get a different timeline.
  • Looper/MK 11 - timeline is mutable, but changes aren't retroactive - e.g. the guy whose past self gets mutilated. Said mutilations should have stopped him even going back, but they only took place when his past self was cut up. And in MK11, when past!Sonya kills past!Kano and inflicts the same wound on present!Kano, even though Kano's lack of existence kinda throws half of MK9 and all of MKX into disarray.
  • Avengers - timeline is immutable - in fact, it's not even really time travel, more just straight up jumping into an alternate timeline. See the Ancient One's issue with removing the Time Stone from her timeline and 2014 Thanos dying and not affecting the 2023 timeline. Big man Tony's bracelets are just for making sure you get back to your original timeline.
  • Terminator 1/2 - closed loop, timeline immutable - though not for lack of trying.
  • Terminator 3/Genisys - closed loop, timeline mutable - they can only change when events happen, but Judgement Day always occurs.
  • Assassin's Creed (yes, it technically has time travel) - I don't actually know other than that the Isu had some rudimentary knowledge of time travel, because apparently the obelisks in Origins go on about different timelines.
  • Star Trek - timeline mutable - e.g. the Borg trying to dick up FIrst Contact, then appearing in the Enterprise episode "Regeneration" showing the event had an effect on the Prime timeline and the dude in the Abrams Trek.
  • Futurama - timeline immutable - e.g. Nibbler and Fry.
  • Doctor Who - whatever the writers feel like this week.

The Avengers: Endgame review[edit | edit source]

It's pretty neat. Pros:

  • Giving Tony his own arc for the Avengers films is pretty neat, with the whole PTSD thing from IM3.
  • Vision was alright, I guess.
  • Ultron was good when he wasn't being weirdly sarcastic.
  • Cuttlefish.

Cons:

  • Did dirty by my boy Quicksilver.
  • Ultron wasn't anywhere near as threatening as he was in the trailers.
  • It seemed to do everything it could to bring the GIF into my head.
  • They just shoved the Thor vision shit in there to have an excuse to call Vision Vision. And a really overhanded way to suggest more stones.
  • Why does Thanos have an Infinity Gauntlet in the post-credit scene if Odin has one in Asgard's vault?

The Destiny Lore Breakdown[edit | edit source]

Like most people, my showerthoughts are potential conversations, except they're usually me explaining something to someone. This one's for you, Lexo. All from memory of course, don't want to act too bothered by it.
Now with Forsaken, 'cause it's been a year.
Or just watch this video tbh.

Big Boye Concepts[edit | edit source]

Fancy Words
Paracausality - effect-without-cause, basically a fancy way of saying space magic. It's why Guardians can summon big ass flaming hammers from nowhere and can resurrect themselves.
The Light/the Sky - paracausal energy, generally accepted to be equivalent to the light side of the Force. I say generally, because the Traveller, chief agent of the Sky, has done some awfully shady shit before. The Fallen weren't the first civilisation it abandoned and Rasputin even considers those reborn in the Light to no longer be human.
The Dark/the Deep - essentially the Dark side of the Force. Operates via the Sword Logic, which is detailed in the Hive section. The Hive/Taken are the only enemies directly linked with them, but even they weren't present during the Collapse.
Expensive actors
Commander Zavala - Titan Vanguard, de facto leader of the City after D2. Voiced by best boy Lance Reddick, off John Wick.
Ikora Rey - Warlock Vanguard, operates a network of informants called the Hidden. Voiced by best girl Gina Torres, off Hannibal and that other show.
Cayde-6 - Hunter Vanguard. Voiced by some guy called Nathan Fillion, star of two-bit crime dramedy Castle.
Lord Shaxx - ̶C̶R̶U̶C̶I̶B̶L̶E̶ ̶A̶N̶N̶O̶U̶N̶C̶E̶R IS THE CRUCIBLE. HAS NO VOLUME CONTROL. VOICED BY LENNIE JAMES OFF THE WALKING DEAD, WHO HAS ALSO NOTED THAT HIS SON PLAYS A LOT OF DESTINY AND HE COMMONLY HEARS HIMSELF SHOUTING FROM UPSTAIRS.
The Speaker - Effective head of the City prior to D2. Much like the Lorax, he speaks for the Traveller. Has some really sick burns. Voiced by Bill Nighy, who possibly just wandered into the studio and started ranting about pseudo-religious nonsense.
Mara Sov - Queen of the Awoken, supreme narcissist and technically KIA since the Taken War.
Uldren Sov - Mara's emo brother. Was an utter cunt during D1, then went MIA in the Taken War and hoped dead by everyone that had ever met him.
Exo Stranger - sexy robot lady from D1 and the biggest sufferer of the mid-development story reboot. Was ignored until Warmind, when notes and such revealed that she was the Exo version of Elsie Bray.
Shin Malphur - the Man with the Golden Gun. Makes a habit of hunting down Guardians who attempt to harness the Darkness and ending them. No shades of grey with this guy.
Dredgen Yor - a Guardian who, plagued with nightmares, ventured into the Hellmouth on Luna and returned with a flair for the Darkness and Thorn, a handcannon capable of killing Guardians without even touching their Ghosts. Was killed by Shin Malphur at Dwindler's Ridge, in a true Western duel where Malphur produced the first ever Golden Gun.
Eris Morn - part of the strike team that went after Crota. Barely escaped, losing her eyes and Ghost in the process.
Toland the Shattered - part of the strike team that went after Crota. Died, kind of, managing to become a spirit in the Ascendant Plane. Kind of a twat.
Wei Ning - The Titan. Noted for solving problems with punching, and subsequent problems with even more punching. Once prolonged a fight with an Ahamkara for 6 hours because she enjoyed punching it so much. Killed by Crota on Luna.
Eriana-3 - Wei Ning's robo-lesbian girlfriend. Died during the strike on Crota.
Tess ̶A̶v̶a̶r̶i̶c̶e Everiss - the microtransaction vendor and somehow even more insufferable than Morrigan, who was deliberately a twat. The current theory is that she killed her uncle Fenchurch during the Red War and carves pieces of him off to use as Bright Dust. Seriously, Avarice and Everiss are so close that it cannot be a coincidence.
Eva Levante - Tower grandma. Was the cosmetics vendor in D1 and made a return in the 2018 Dawning, where she helped yu make snacks for everyone. Apart from Tess.
Master Rahool - Tower Cryptarch. No one has forgiven him for turning Legendary Engrams into Rares, even though it was the first bug patched in D1. The lingering hatred is still strong enough that during the Dawning, you could hand in the burnt, failed snack recipes to him.
Xûr - Exotic vendor. Agent of the Nine. Only appears on weekends.
Organisations and/or species
The Vanguard - the commanders of the Guardians in defense of the Last City.
The Consensus - the council of the major civilian factions in the City, chiefly the Future War Cult, Dead Orbit and New Monarchy.
Future War Cult - a group that uses highly advanced (possibly Vex) technology to simulate the future.
Dead Orbit - a group that believes the system is doomed and that if humanity is to survive it must flee. They own the majority of the City's fleet.
New Monarchy - a group that believes a single, strong leader is the key to the City's survival.
Shadows of Yor - followers of Dredgen Yor, who want to replicate his harnessing of Hive magic without falling to the Dark.
Ahamkara - wish dragons, who feed on the difference between reality-as-is and reality-as-wished and in the process close the gap. While they can subsist off granting normal wishes, they feed even more on deals that are twisted to their favour - resulting in what is essentially a race of Gaunter O'Dimm's. Granting wishes damages the psyche of those they feed on. Because of this and their tendency to grant wishes that are merely thought, and commonly without permission, the City started the Great Hunt, which killed every Ahamkara save for one, which Mara Sov had acquired as a baby and shackled into the Wishing Wall in the Dreaming City. This Wall, along with the support of her Techeuns, let Mara demand wishes with no loopholes for Riven, the Ahamkara, to exploit. Even when dead, their bones still whisper to their wielders and have slight Paracausal abilities. Dredgen Yor possessed a set of Ahamkara bones, which may have been behind the whispers that lead him to the Hellmouth and his eventual corruption.

Humanity and the Last City[edit | edit source]

The Golden Age
Around 2100 a fancy ball, Moon X, appears around Jupiter and flies about a bit, terraforming 2 of the moons, before moving onto Mercury and Venus. After dealing with the cults and what-not that accompany a magic space orb appearing, humanity manages to intercept the Traveller on Mars, where it has started to rain. The Traveller gifts miracles of technology to humanity and proceeds to continue flying about the solar system, terraforming worlds with the Light. At this time, the Ahamkara start appearing - wish-dragons, that feed on the gap between reality-as-is and reality-as-wished and in doing so grant said wishes - but they largely keep their distance. The Vex are encountered on Venus, maybe having already machinoformed Mercury, it's not clear yet.
The Clovis Bray corporation - basically Weyland-Yutani - starts studying the Vex. They find it difficult, with Radiolaria converting exposed material into Vex and the majority of their intelligence being digital. Clovis Bray starts the Exo project with the intent of uploading human minds into robot bodies, and immediately runs into problems with Dissociative Exomind Rejection (DER) - the human mind cannot process the shift and begins to reject its new body. To combat this, Bray inputs "humanisms" into the Exos - such as the ability to sleep, eat, ̶w̶h̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶T̶a̶l̶i and crudely mimic sex - to reduce DER. It delays it, but DER still happens (allegedly) so Bray introduces the concept of wiping the minds of Exos - once when they are initially uploaded, and more when they begin to show signs of severe DER. Post-collapse, it has been suggested that DER, if not stopped by the humanisms and the initial reboot, may have entirely been a fabrication, an excuse for Clovis Bray to wipe the minds of Exos who have seen things they weren't supposed to. Every reboot adds a number to the end of an Exo's name. Banshee-44, the Tower gunsmith, has a habit of forgetting conversations as son as they end.
Clovis Bray and their lovely concierge Stephen Fry also developed a system-wide defense AI - a Warmind, named Rasputin. Chief lead on this was Anatasia Bray, the perpetual little sister of the Bray family who decided to teach Rasputin about stuff like philosophy and art. Then, once Rasputin was fully functional and linked into everything, she realised that she had forgotten to teach him about trust.
Clovis Bray also invents the Engram, a 5th form of programmable matter, capable of being formed into any material needed. Glimmer is the raw material, which can formed by the appropriate hands into whatever is need. Like 3D printers though, quality matters - some items require more Glimmer, incredibly precise equipment to build or advanced codes to decrypt and form what they are programmed to. Most buildings are now made of phase-locked Glimmer, that cannot be reverted back to its raw data form.
Around 2400, or maybe even earlier (the only known date is that the main story takes place in the mid 2700s) the Darkness attacks. The Traveller rushes back to Earth, seemingly sacrificing itself to banish the Darkness. In its last moments, above a tiny village in South America, the Traveller sends out Ghosts, tiny little midgets that hunt down their chosen from the dead and rebirth them in the Light.
The Dark Age
Once the dust had settled, the Ghosts started raising their first Chosen. Named the Risen, many of these newly-resurrected Lightbearers wandered aimlessly, lacking any structure beyond a vague understanding of the current situation. Many became Warlords, using their powers to establish small fiefdoms across Earth. This went on for a few decades until a group of Risen who had been hiding amongst the populace decided to fight back and use their Light to protect the people, not enslave them. These four, Saladin, Radegast, Jolder, and Perun, named themselves the Iron Lords and fought back. They recruited many Risen to their cause, including the former Warlord Felwinter and managed to destroy the Warlords. The Iron Lords helped guard the walls of the Last City as they were erected, and defended it against six different Fallen attacks at the Battle of Six Fronts (which inspired the Titan emblem - a hexagon (6) divided into 4 segments, which represent the 4 Titan orders present). Eventually they discovered SIVA, a nano-construction material used to rapidly construct anything and everything during the Golden Age. They marched for the Cosmodrome, the last known stockpile on Earth, but were confronted by the Earth-fragment of Rasputin. This fragment threw everything the Cosmodrome had the Iron Lords - drone strikes, combat Frames and SIVA constructs - and annihilated them all, save for 2 - Saladin and the newest member, a Hunter named Efrideet.
Sometime after the Collapse, a town called Palamon was established. It existed fairly happily for many years, secluded from Fallen raids by forests and mountains, and took in many drifters. Once the common law began to fail, they appointed Magistrate, Loken, to govern them. Then, over the years his rule became more and more despotic, until a newly arrived Guardian named Jaren Ward arrived. Loken immediately took offense to Ward's tales of the Last City and tried to kill him. Ward didn't like this and ended Loken Big-Iron style. Encouraged by a child that had taken a particular shine to him - one Shin Malphur - Ward became the law in Palamon, the sheriff keeping the new magistrates in line. Even more years after this, Ward took Shin, now an adult and Ward's protege, and a small team of others to take out a small Fallen camp that had been harassing the town. When they returned, they found Palamon razed to the ground, every living thing in the town executed. After a day of mourning, Ward led the party to the Last City. Along the way Ward scouted ahead and encountered Dredgen Yor - the ex-Guardian who had razed Palamon. Yor was the better duelists, ending Ward with a single shot from his Thorn. He let Ward's Ghost live, as Thorn had truly ended Ward, with no hope of resurrection, and left. Shin found Ward's body. Ward's Ghost, now lacking a Guardian, adopted Shin - the only known case of a Ghost taking a living person - and gave him Ward's weapon - the Last Word. Shin lead the party to the City, but didn't enter it, instead heading off to track down Dredgen Yor. Years later Malphur finds Yor at Dwindler's Ridge. The two duel and Malphur ends Yor with the first ever Golden Gun before Yor can even get a shot off. Shin continues wandering, hunting down those Guardians who would try and replicate Yor's harnessing of Hive magic. Yor's Ghost abandoned him long before Palamon and isn't likely to ever want to resurrect him.

The Awoken[edit | edit source]

Formation
The Yang Liwei, also known as the Exodus Green within the greater extra-solar colonisation program, was one of the last ships to leave Earth during the Collapse. The ship carried about 40,000 colonists in stasis, 30,000 of whom were women, with a crew of around 900 - including Mara and Uldwyn Sov, a pair of probably incestuous twins, just look at how they interact in Forsaken. It got about as far as the asteroid belt before detecting an enormous entity beyond it. The ship's captain, Alice Li, decided to send out a message of neutrality, essentially saying that whatever beef the entity had with the Traveller didn't concern them. Mara decided to have a gander at said entity and so went EVA without permission, followed by Uldwyn, who mostly just stayed on the hull and held onto his sister's cable. The two were outside the ship when the Travller kamikazed the Darkness, and the Exodus Green itself was on the very border of Light and Dark. The clash created a paracausal kugelblitz, inside of which a pocket dimension called the Distributary was formed. Mara, being both the first being hit by the clash and an extreme narcissist, formed the rules of said pocket dimension through sheer force of will. The Yang Liwei manifested inside the Distributary and the colonists, who had been transformed into pure potential, began to reincarnate themselves into the Awoken, based off Mara's laws of being. Most of them lost their memories as a result of the transformation, and the crashed Exodus Green functioned as the basis of the new civilisations technology. Somewhat notably, 9 members of the crew were left unaccounted for afterwards.
Awoken civilisation went on for a few thousand years, with Alice Li functioning as Queen. They had a little civil war or something, I don't remember the details and if you're looking for something factually correct then go on r/DestinyLore or just read the acutal wiki. Anyhoo, after this Alice Li stepped down, and another Queen took her place, with Mara as her (uninvited) principle advisor. Then she had enough of Mara manipulating the court to keep the Awoken in turmoil to advance her interests (leaving the Distributary) and abdicated. Mara chose her successor, under whose reign Mara managed to gather enough supports to establish a viable civilisation back in the real world. Said queen disapproved of so many leaving, but Mara told her to fuck off and went anyway.
Mara and co arrived outside the Distributary, to find that in the outside world only a few hundred years had passed, compared to the thousands within. The Awoken spread out around the Reef. as the asteroid belt was now known, founding settlements and building hidden cities all about. Mara started sending scouting parties to Earth, and some of her Awoken split off permanently to try and help their cousins. After another succession of crises, Mara was unwillingly named Queen, having preferred to stay in the shadows. Uldwyn, now Uldren, became head of Mara's scouts, known as the Crows. He broke into the Black Garden at one point just to prove he could, which ended up setting the stage for his eventual corruption. During one of these expeditions he found a baby Ahamkara, bringing to back as a gift to his sister. She had her Techeuns, tech-witches you Guardians call them, set up a device to help circumvent Ahamkara's tendency to twist wishes about, using the Wishing Wall and an entirely non-verbal language to ensure that the Ahamkara, named Riven, only used her intent in its wishes. Riven and the Wall were mounted in the Dreaming City, which has some other stuff to do with it. Read the real wiki nerd.
Mara's entire philosophy is based around balance - as the Awoken were created equally of Light and Dark, so she believes that one can never be allowed to triumph over the other, at least not for an extended period of time. The Awoken themselves are partially of both Sky and Deep, so they aren't fully affected by the Dreaming City's Curse (later) and, due to the presence of Light within them, cannot be fully Taken - as with the Techeuns Mara left behind, they can be freed by killing them in the Ascendant Plane, which removes the Taken part of them while leaving the regular plane part intact.
Decimation
After some bother with the Fallen House of Wolves, Mara pressed them into servitude and imprisoned their leader, Skolas, in the Prison of Elders, which was more of a trophy case than anything else. Then, in Destiny 1, she begrudingly helps the Player Guardian find the Black Garden. Then, in the Destiny 1 DLC House of Wolves, the Nine arrange for Skolas to escape the Prison of Elders and start trying to become Kell of Kells, in order to force the Awoken and the Guardians to start working together in preparation for Oryx.
When Big Man Oryx did show up, the Reef attacked first, providing a bigger challenge than Oryx expected. He was forced to use his power move, inverting his Throne World (again), wiping out both his and the Awoken fleet. Mara technically died in this, but used this an ritual by her Techeuns to break into Oryx's Throne World, where she hid until the Player Guardian killed him. While here she kicked Toland out of the pocket he had claimed, which was enitrely unneccesary given that he is literally just a ball of light. Once Oryx died his true death and his Throne was left unclaimed, Mara claimed a far chunk of it as her own. She didn't even give Toland his house back.
Outside the Ascendant Plane, the Taken occupied many Awoken cities, most of the population either escaping to Earth or back to the Distributary. Oryx Took Riven, while his Taken occupied the Dreaming City. When He died, Savathûn swooped in and assumed direct control of the remaining Taken via Quria, Blade Transformed and her simulation of Oryx. Savathûn sought the Distributary, as the time dilation of the pocket dimension would let Her amass eons of tributes in a few scant years outside - essentially bootstrapping Her to godhood. Her daughter, Dûl Incaru, was placed in charge of this search. When Petra Venj let the Player Guardian into the City, Mara ordered them to kill Riven, because a Taken Wish Dragon is not something you want running loose. This was All Part Of The Plan™ for Savathûn, who had Riven twist the Raid Team's unspoken wish to win to set up a timeloop, where they would kill her over and over again. This set up the Curse of the Dreaming City, a three-week cycle beginning with Riven's death and ending with Dûl Incaru's. Due to their nature as parially-paracausal beings, the Awoken within are trapped in the cycle, repeating their actions, but their minds are aware of this. To fully paracausal beings, like the Guardians and the Hive/Taken, they can do whatever they see fit, the only stipulation being everything - including deaths - will reset with the cycle. Hence, Dûl Incaru has an almost unlimited amount of time to find the Distributary, only constrained by how quickly the Guardians can kill Her.

The Hive[edit | edit source]

The Hive and the Taken
>Be me, Aurash

>2/F/Osmium Court
>Have sisters, Xi Ro and Sathona
>Osmium Court is on a chunk of rock floating on the surface of a gas giant, Fundament, like an island.
>Frustrated with the fact that our species only lives for 10 years
>Dad, Osmium King, is 10 years old.
>Dementia.pdf
>Rants about the 52 moons in alignment dragging the ocean up and dropping it in a god-wave.
>Taox, our teacher, decides we're not good enough to be queens.
>Invites Helium Drinkers, rival court, to take over.
>Coup.png
>Me and sis escape.
>PrincessesOnTheRun.mp4

I can't be fucked to keep on with the greentext thing. Basically our lovely princesses fuck about on the high seas for a while, until they find a needle ship, a broken alien vessel capable of getting pretty close to Fundament's core. They fix it and Aurash, having never heard the relation between curiosity and cats, drives them down to the core, where they find the Worm Gods, Eir, Ur, Xol and Akka. The Worms explain that they have followed a great white sphere, which currently orbits one of Fundament's moons and has granted the inhabitants untold technologies, because it is an agent of the Sky, as they are of the Deep. They offer our princesses the opportunity to bond with their spawn, worms which grant ever more power to their host as they are fed with death, as the host follows the Sword Logic.
The Sword Logic is survival of the fittest taken to the extreme. If you kill something, you are stronger than it, and worthy to take its power. With the worms, paracausal beings, the Hive literally grow stronger as they kill. With the Sword Logic, conquest and war is a good thing, as you are weeding out the weak and driving the universe towards its Final Shape - the unkillable being. There is a catch, however - everything must be taken - gifts go against the Logic, unless they themselves have a catch to strike the recipient unawares. With their worms, the sisters are bound to their inner natures - Aurash must constantly explore and discover, Sathona must live and breathe deceit and trickery, and Xi Ro must be at war always and forever.
With the worms, the princesses rename themselves and assume their adult morphs - Aurash and Xi Ro become knights and Auryx and Xivu Arath, while Sathona becomes Savathun, a wizard (knights are male form and wizards are female). They take the worms to the Osmium Court and recruit with the offer of a far longer lifespan. They take the Court back, and pursue Taox to the Helium Court, which they conquer. Once the planet is under their control, Auryx turns his gaze to the moons, and the Traveller which neglected his species despite being so close. Taox has also fled to this civilisation, and the three sisters head up there with their army, ever growing with death. Taox flees in an escape pod, and the Traveller departs. The siblings set about bringing the Sword Logic to the universe, using the dark magic granted by their worms to traverse the stars.
After a few hundred years, the siblings reconvene, having discovered the true catch to their power - as their worms grow, they require more death to feed them, and the more they are fed the more they grow, until it it impossible for them to be fed. Without their worms, the siblings will die. Auryx suggests taking the power of one of the Worm Gods in order to change their fate, and promptly kills his siblings to get the power to do so. He then confronts Akka, the weakest worm, and kills him, assuming the power of a Worm God and becoming Oryx. He enables the use of a tribute - the simplest Thralls pay a portion of their acquired power to their knights of wizards, and so on up the chain until Oryx's worm is feeding on an entire civilisation's worth of death. He also builds his ship, the Dreadnought, out of a segment of Akka's shell.
Oryx goes on bringing about the Final Shape, until he finds a particularly difficult system to take. He wins using an extremely slippery and backhanded plan, which summons Savathun back to life. The two siblings wage a devastating war against the next system over, the carnage reviving Xivu Arath. Reunited, the three celebrate by killing Oryx. He discovers that the three have become Ascendant - their power is so great that they must be killed in the Ascendant Plane to be truly ended. With Savathun leading the way, they establish Throne Worlds within the Ascendant Plane, making these the only place they may truly be killed. They go their seperate ways again, until Oryx finds a system he cannot take, even through a hundred years of warfare.
Oryx is understandably a little upset by the idea that he might not be part of the Final Shape. He goes and commune with the Deep itself, in the process learning that, just like dear old dad said, all life on Fundament has been wiped out by the god-wave and even worse, the power left over has not been claimed. Oryx takes it and uses it to learn a new ability from the Deep - how to Take, to dominate something entirely One Ring style. Now Oryx, the Taken King, he heads back to the front, using his Taken to utterly destroy his enemies. He then decides he should probably have kids, like his siblings have. Enter Crota, and a couple of twins I can't remember the names of.
The lot of them go about doing family things, like wiping out civilisations, until Savathun, being a colossal bitch, decides to put Oryx in his place. She goads Crota into slicing open a portal while inside Oryx's Throne World, and the Vex come spilling out. Crota spends a while trying to clean up before dad finds out. When he does, Oryx Takes the Harpy leading the attack - Quria, Blade Transformed - and closes the portal. He's right cross with Crota and kicks him out into a portal, to gather tribute for his father while not being close enough to fuck up. He then has a go at his daughters for letting Crota dick up so badly, so they propose a new method of death evasion to save their skins - seperating their deaths from themselves, creating an Oversoul and hiding it somewhere within the Throne World. While the Oversoul is seperate, even in his Throne World Oryx and co are immortal. The sisters get to leave of their own accord and Oryx is pretty comfortable that he will be the Final Shape. As a final fuck you before he sets off killing again he sends Quria as a gift to Savathun, with enough free will to make him a real threat when unsupervised.
Eventually, Crota locates the Traveller and establishes a staging ground on Luna, while pressing on the Last City's defenses. The City launches a strike on Crota, managing to send him back to the Ascendant Plane hard enough for his resummoning to take a decade or two. The fireteam responsible is nearly wiped out. The only survivors being Eris Morn, who loses her Ghost, is blinded and uses stolen Hive magic to see, and the warlock Toland, who manages to become a spirit in the Ascendant Plane, though trapped in an incoporeal form and with no way of influencing the physical world. It takes a while, but Crota is summoned again just in time for the Player Guardian to kill him again, this time permanently. Oryx senses his son's death and comes looking for a fight, only to promptly get his ass kicked too - admittedly after killing Mara Sov and wiping out the Awoken fleet.

The Fallen[edit | edit source]

The Eliksni
Basically homeless Elites. The Eliksni, as they call themselves, once possessed the Traveller and had their own Golden Age. The great Houses of old became little more than colour schemes. Then their Collapse - the Whirlwind - happened, the Traveller fleeing and abandoning them to the forces of the Darkness. Only a few refugee ships survived, following the Traveller to its next destination. Along the way they devolved back into House politics and began the process of docking - Eliksni are born with 4 arms, and the lower 2 are docked at birth and only allowed to regrow when a Dreg proves himself worthy of becoming a Vandal. In addition, they grew to worship machines, particularly their Servitors, now the only means available of producing Ether - a substance required for them to survive and only naturally available on their homeworld. They found the Traveller again only after humanity's Collapse. They saw that the Traveller had stayed with the humans instead of fleeing, which lead the Fallen to believe that humanity had somehow stolen the Traveller during the Eliksni's moment of need. The houses split up, each taking territory - the House of Devils claimed Earth, the House of Exiles took Luna and the House of Winter took Venus. The House of Kings dissolved, seemingly, in fact positioning themselves as the closest thing to a secret society the Fallen have. The House of Wolves tried to claim the Asteroid Belt, but found it already occupied by the Awoken. Following the Reef Wars, which I don't know too much about, the Wolves were bound in servitude to Mara Sov, the Awoken Queen. Her closest Eliksni adviser is Variks the Loyal, the last member of the House of Judgement and possibly the only Fallen to remember their prime.
After the Player Guardian royally fucks their shit up in Destiny 1, the Fallen are on the brink of extinction. The remnants of the old houses have combined into the House of Dusk, now focused on survival through any means. As of 1 year post Red War, there are now 4 Fallen factions still kicking - the House of Dusk, the House of Judgement, the newly founded House of Light and the Spider's cartel.
The House of Light was founded by Mithrax, a Fallen Captain you can spare during an Adventure on Titan (she's fighting a Hive Knight and I shot killed her first, so hey). She is focused on cooperating with humanity, seeing them as co-survivors against the Deep. The Spider's cartel is dedicated to the eradication of House politics and cooperates with humanity on a purely practical basis, rather than ideology. The House of Judgement - or rather, just Variks at the moment - is centered around rebuilding Eliksni society as it was, except with the House of Judgement at the top and all other Houses subservient.

The Cabal[edit | edit source]

Calus and the Cabal
Basically the First Galactic Empire if it was ran by space rhinos. Calus, the current emperor, has focused on consolidating the empire's power instead of expanding. He is hugely popular with the people, but the military old guard feels that the lack of conquest is a betrayal of their very species. The once-leader of the military, the Consul, is exiled by Calus and lives his life out in the wilderness of the homeworld, until he comes across an abandoned baby. The Cabal do the Spartan thing and chuck the sickly babies out, but this one has managed to survive even being thrown out. The Consul takes him in and raises him. Named Ghaul, the child rises through the ranks and manages to become Dominus, head of the entire military. He deposes Calus, who flees, and begins the conquest again, with the Consul by his side. Eventually, word comes to him from scouts in the Sol system, about warriors who wield paracausal energies and are near-impossible to truly kill. Ghaul seeks this power for himself and takes Sol by surprise with overwhelming force and a device created to try and entrap the source of the Guardian's power.
he CHONK
Calus, meanwhile, has escaped within his ship, the Leviathan, an absolute fucking unit even by sci-fi standards. He manages to commune with the Deep, as Oryx once did, but whatever secrets he learned he kept to himself. He brings the Leviathan to Sol once Ghaul is defeated, in order to test the Guardians and determine who is worthy to join the Shadows, his own personal spec-ops unit.

The Vex[edit | edit source]

The Vex
Seeing as the Vex fulfill the role as unknowable alien abominations in Destiny, there isn't much I can put here. Humanity met them during the Golden Age and it is entirely possible that were the reason for the creation of the Exo project, since Radiolarian fluid - the "creamy centre" (thanks Drifter) - has a habit of machinoforming organic tissue. The Vex combine near-flawless prediction engines and time travel to appear whenever they need to. The only reason they haven't won already is because they are unable to simulate the Light - paracausal energies, being effect-without-cause, are impossible for computers to simulate - and reckless time travel without pinpoint-accurate simulations of the results could be devastating. The only thing known of their goal is that they want enough processing power to simulate the entire universe. They machinoform planets, turning them into ginormous processors to aid in their - at a minimum - galaxy-sized computer network.

The Captain Marvel Review[edit | edit source]

It amazes me that people aren't capable of separating what an actor says and what the film is about. Pros:

  • 7/10, pretty close to an 8
  • Sam-u L Jackson scares me.
  • Despite what some people would have you believe the closest it gets to feminism is when "I'm just a girl" plays over a fight scene Kingsman-style. Oh, and a guy who takes the mick out of her outfit (the green Kree suit) and asks her to smile, which allegedly wasn't added in re-shoots and just happened to be relevant to the smiling thing.

Cons:

  • Could've done with a bit more Ronan. Lee Pace is pretty highly billed for someone with 3 scenes, 2 of which are tiny holograms.
  • Brie Larson personally reached out of the screen and chemically castrated me.

Haloness scale[edit | edit source]

From most to least:

  • Halo 2 - peak Halo
  • Halo 3 - peak Halo but with equipment
  • Halo CE - slow peak Halo with 90s TTK
  • Halo Reach - faster peak Halo with armour abilities
  • Destiny/2 - Reach but you bring your own power weapons
  • Halo 4 - faster than Reach, sprint is separate to abilities, one of which is a literal wallhack
  • Halo 5 - no abilities, but sprint and thrust, ADS, RNG for redeemable weapons in gamemodes.

Also a soundtrack rating:

  • Halo 3/ODST - best OST ever don't @ me.
  • Halo 2/Destiny 2: Forsaken - joint second place because Halo 2 is Halo 2 and Forsaken is good.
  • Halo CE/Reach - Reach should be higher but having 3 in second place is weird.
  • Halo Wars - Spirit of Fire is too depressing to be main menu music.
  • Halo 4 - only above 5 because of 117.
  • Halo 5 - they ruined 117.
  • Halo 2 Anniversary - BAD.

What’s the story[edit | edit source]

  • Miss Hoolie - Greed
    • Hogs the framing narrative.
  • Archie - Gluttony
    • Has an endless supply of yogurt pots.
  • Spencer - Pride
  • Full of himself and his paintings.
  • PC Plum - Envy
    • Wants to be a great detective but is held back by Balamory’s low crime rate.
  • Edie McCredie - Wrath
    • Gets angey at other drivers.
  • Josie Jump - Lust
    • Athletics nut. Probable daddy issues. Textbook village bicycle.
  • Penny Pocket - Sloth
    • Never stands up.

Bumblebeebeebee 2018[edit | edit source]

  • PROtectobots:
    • Pretty neat. Cybertron scenes are very WFC/FOC.
    • 8/10 more Cybertron.
    • Almost fell into the peg/hole trap, but avoids it at the last second.
  • DeceptiCONs:
    • Dunno what the films have against Frank Welker, because Soundwave isn't voiced by him. And Shockwave isn't voiced by Corey Burton, but given the difference between him in the 80s and him now I think it might be justified.
    • I'm not sure Shatter and Dropkick were named on screen. They could've been, but I didn't hear it. Blitzwing isn't named, so they could always retcon him as someone else.

Gotham City in Elseworlds Review[edit | edit source]

  • Arkham logo - do not like. Even the DCEU uses the Arkham City variant, the only media that’s been different in the past decade has been Telltale and that just used a different font.
  • You can tell Batwoman’s using a voice, but that might just be ‘’her’’ doimg an American accent.
  • TBH Arkham was neat, pretty modern prison masquerading as a mental hospital.
  • Sign says Arkham Institute for the Criminally Insane. Finally.
  • Lotta security lapses, but frankly it’s Arkham.
  • Bats isn’t in it very much.

Why Payday 2's stealth is dogshit in Connor's opinion, no one elses, oi I didn't delete your stuff so don't delete mine [With facts][edit | edit source]

First, lets look at the mechanics of good stealth games.

  • Dishonored:
    • Leaning: Yes
    • Tagging: No
    • Enhanced vision: Yes
    • Enhanced movement: Yes - Blink and agility upgrades
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes
    • Distract guards: No [You can]. Meant to put yes here
    • Hiding spots: Being higher than a guard makes you harder to spot
    • Abilities: Magic, either for traversal, avoidance or combat. Can go Flesh and Steel, though in D1 there isn't a choice for having Blink
  • Batman Arkham:
    • Leaning: Third person
    • Tagging: No
    • Enhanced vision: Yes
    • Enhanced movement: Vertically
    • Multiple routes: Are just set encounters
    • Disable guards without detection: Early on in Asylum and Origins, only for the tutorial in City and never in Knight
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: Gargoyles and grates
    • Abilities: A few Predator-geared gadgets, Fear takedowns in Knight
  • Deus Ex:
    • Leaning: Third person cover
    • Tagging: No
    • Enhanced vision: With upgrades, short duration
    • Enhanced movement: Jumping with upgrades, makes noise [Can also knock down walls, though it is loud so I guess it doesn't count in this scenario]
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes, but limited by power
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: No
    • Abilities: Weapons and upgrades
  • Splinter Cell:
    • Leaning: Third person
    • Tagging: No [It does] Blacklist can fuck off [again in your opinion]
    • Enhanced vision: Nightvision, thermal and EM
    • Enhanced movement: Simple climbing, more for getting into position than avoiding enemies
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: Darkness, which the entire system is built around
    • Abilities: Rifle, capable of non-lethal and lethal, remote cameras, knock out gas, pistol attachment that shorts out lights
  • Assassin's Creed Origins/Odyssey:
    • Leaning: Third person
    • Tagging: Yes
    • Enhanced vision: No
    • Enhanced movement: Climbing, but guards can too
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: Yes
    • Abilities: Whistling, long range takedowns, chain takedowns, poison
  • Far Cry:
    • Leaning: No
    • Tagging: Yes
    • Enhanced vision: No
    • Enhanced movement: No
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: Yes, but they only work from a distance
    • Abilities: Chain takedowns
  • HITMAN™:
    • Leaning: Third person
    • Tagging: No
    • Enhanced vision: Yes
    • Enhanced movement: Limited climbing
    • Multiple routes: Yes
    • Disable guards without detection: Yes
    • Distract guards: Yes
    • Hiding spots: Yes
    • Abilities: Being a Master of Disguise
  • Payday 2:
    • Leaning: No
    • Tagging: For about 20 seconds
    • Enhanced vision: No [With cameras I guess] That’s only useful for tagging [not really, can track guard movements as well, plus it does give you more visions where you cant already see]
    • Enhanced movement: No
    • Multiple routes: Varies by map, usually no [Yeah there are in all but 1 map] (choosing between 2 corridors isn’t multiple routes) [Isn't that how some of the games above are though, also it kinda is as is more than 1 which means multiple and the situation can change depending on which way you go, some easier, some harder]
    • Disable guards without detection: Up to 4 or 5, depending on difficulty
    • Distract guards: No
    • Hiding spots: No [Yeah] Where, exactly? And I don’t mean sitting in a cupboard, I mean places you can sit unobserved while watching enemies. [Security rooms are one, but the game uses a couple hiding spots like behind cases or printers to keep ou of sight. However its not the main focus in stealth, its to make you stay mobile to get around enemies and do what I talk about below]
    • Abilities: A jammer that gives you 15 seconds at best and bringing more body bags than you can use without blowing your cover [Plus a number of skills you can get and equip to a stealth profile] Such as?

With no way to distract guards you know are present, no way to check guards are around a corner without potentially exposing yourself [You can easily go round corners for a second, see a guard and get back without being detected(what FBI building were you breaking into where the sightlines are long enough for that?, [that mission, everyone else was fine, how do you think I was finding guards that were coming towards me without them spotting me]) the only time when you get instant detected by a guard is when they right next to you, but even then you can see their flashlight and occasionally say a line of dialogue, or you'll hear them walking up](What volume do you have the game at where you can hear their footsteps? [What ever volume I have, I can hear them every once in a while, but I have go to admit its mostly the torch thing that helps me detect them, though you can hear them humming as they walk which is more what I meant when I said humming or making other noise]) and map design that ranges from making the stealth actually kinda enjoyable (Shacklethorne was alright, Trainyard is pretty good) to a level that seems targeted to exploit every single problem with the system (looking at you, Breakin' Feds), Payday's stealth is shit (Oi, again don't delete this stuff, also this was Adam not me, forgot to put that last time. Just because your shit at Payday stealth doesn't mean its bad). Spider-Man has better stealth and it's entirely optional.

[The whole thing for Payday's stealth is that you don't have that many advantages (the only advantage you have in a Flesh & Steel run in Dishonored is mines. Besides, the lack of gadgets is only a problem because the detection system sucks ass [Again I have no problem with it, I barely get noticed with guards as I know what kinda detection range they have and use the skills I say below to not even get into a position where I do get detected]) and that its challenging (A Crack in the Slab with Clean Hands and Ghost is challenging, because of level design and limitations that force the player to improvise [Good stealth payday players uses patience and logic to learn those that design and guard routes, though Ill get back to that later]. Challenging is not making both disabling and distracting guards impossible [makes your decisions carry weight and importance as you can only clear so much of the route, making you decide if you want/need to take down this guard or if you can get around them instead of other stealth games where you can just go along taking down every guard in your way to completely clear the route and make it easier for you] while offering no hiding spots in an incredibly cramped environment [Again look at the patience and hiding spot bit]. That’s artificial difficulty [Again not really, look back at the other points I just made here]. To explain for the brain damaged [If that's directed at me then harsh, just because I have a different opinion], that’s the same as just buffing enemies health and damage (like in COD) [Again I'm gonna point to the decision and other points], whereas natural difficulty is altering the map [That only happens in 1 mission in Dishonoured, unless your talking about guard routes, which you talk about for Payday here yourself] and making the AI smarter (HITMAN) [Pretty sure that also changes for Payday, though its more the rate of detection and number of guards] - i.e making the player think and/or change tactics rather than fighting bullet sponges [Kinda same point as just said but obviously with those increased numbers carries the responsibility of being more alert and less just running if you think you can, which admittedly I do a lot, but I do get away with it]) other than the main advantage of stealth that you have the element of surprise (which only applies for attacking people, retard [ouch, harsh. No it also applies to a little thing called sneaking around as they're no actively looking for you, making it easier to get around and continue to not get noticed and steal stuff]) and can sneak around etc. Its suppose to be that your just 4 guys trying to sneak around a facility, no detective mode, cybernetic enhancements or other super powers that lets you look through walls and know where everyone is 24/7. (Batman is the only one that has anything like this [Corvo's darkvision, Jensen's eye abilities, eagle vision, magical tagging in Farcry, not sure for Splinter cell, haven't played them] and it’s not even about hiding, it’s just choosing who to pick off first [And how do you know who they are, how many there are, where they are exactly?]) While I admit there's nothing that outright distracts guards (throwables might maybe, not sure tbh), its make the player(s) utilize patience and making them actually learn the paths of the guards (and is entirely useless when you can’t time it to know when they’re back again [but when they do leave or stand around you do know for give or take how long they'll be gone, aka if its long enough to move or if you have to say put], when there are multiple guards on the same route [Not a problem, 9 times out of 10 here is a break in watching atleast 1 area, in fact the only time there wasn't been is that end bit in Shacklethorne with the guard outside), or when you’re inevitably spotted (again, I talked about this earlier, and if you need more proof, when we play a stealth mission how many times am I caught, the person who goes and learns this stuff cmpared to others who dont learn it [for evidence on that bit remember back to the first area or mine and Adams bit on Breakin the Feds], completely randomised [It really isn't, the guards in Brakin the Feds follow a circular route, same in Shackethrone, night club, trainyard unless their stationary, also if they are randomized hen it makes you do what you talked about earlier which is improvise]) [something a real crew would have to do in this kinda experience](I don’t think you can use the “real crew” thing in Payday “We stole Nukes and massacred more police than there are people in the city” [Back to my point on us not having detectice mode, enhancements etc. also you must know what I mean by this] 2. Plus they would have done it in advance, not just wing it once inside. [And how is that suppose to play out from a game play prospective, every mission starts with us in a breifing room being told by Bain/locke where every single guard is? Also to raise your point about the Payday gang not being normal, if they're not normal and have people like Jimmy they may just wing it, tha is if you wanna keep o your point that the Payday gang aren't like a normal gang)] I have idea why you’re defending a half-baked “stealth” system that comes across more as an afterthough than a core gameplay mechanic. [Cause your literally the only person here that has a problem with it, everyone else enjoys the system and finds it decent and works well enough. You see I didn't delete that last message cause I disagreed with someone elses opinion.]

Fem!Doc Review[edit | edit source]

Can't believe Doctor Who general got shut down.

  • Episode 1 - The Woman whomst'd'll've'st fell to Earth
    • Goodies
      • Pretty neat all round really.
      • Shot really well - more like a drama than the Doctor Who.
      • The guy from the Chase was alright.
      • To quote someone on Reddit "The tagline should've been 'More RTD than Moffat'."
    • Baddies
      • No opening titles, but apparently that was part of getting to 62 minutes.
      • Set in Sheffield, so naturally it's impossible to take anyone seriously.
      • Our local dyspraxic can ride a bike, don't get why this one can't.
  • Episode 2 - The Moffat Monument
    • Goodies
      • Pretty neat again.
      • Cinematography on point.
      • 'Bout as dark as you can expect from a guy who made his career writing a TV show about a dead child.
    • Baddies
      • Went a bit Harry Potter with the spooky scary sheets.
  • Episode 3 - Rose
    • Goodies
      • They don't serve negroes here.
      • Space Nazi was very similar to Adam and that is good.
    • Baddies
      • They didn't get the nigga pass.
  • Episode s12e03 - Metro 55
    • Goodies
      • Started off with me thinking it was Doctor Who does Metro, like how episode 11x01 was Doctor Who does Predator. Then it turns out it really IS Doctor Who does Metro, courtesy of mutants in a Novosibirsk metro station.
      • Jay from the Inbetweeners wears a Transtar uniform.
    • Baddies
      • It's the preachy episode.

The Solo Review[edit | edit source]

The anthology films continue the trend of going through production hell and generally looking shit until coming out.
Excellentes:

  1. Donald Glover fucking nails Lando. Sounds spookily like Billy Dee Williams.
  2. The Imperial Army is canon again, judging from the fact that normal Stormtroopers appear alongside the normies.
  3. The Kessel Run segment's music is just OT tracks mashed together and that is ok.
  4. Maul is alright, if a little dramatic with his lightsaber over a hologram.
  5. It doesn't beat you over the head with the OT references/explanations. They're there but not really pointed out.

Bads: Nothing specifically bad TBH.

The Infinity War Review[edit | edit source]

Se pcue.

In honour of Thanos I'll remove half of the characters in the text, but I can only be arsed half the time, so... Pstvs:

  1. Nice film.
  2. Can't really talk about the good points without spoiling it.
  3. It's the sort of film where the funky animated credits at the end are just white text on a black background.
  4. Thanos is pretty good. Very purple, jacked. What's not to love?
  5. One of the guys in ILM's VFX crew was called Vivek, which fits in well with the film's theme.
  6. Strangely relevant.

Ngtvs:

  1. The front end is very joke heavy, presumably to make up for the fact that there are hardly any in the second half.
  2. They're releasing Avengers 4 in 2019, instead of a few months after like the Matrix did.

On the non-reality of Arkham Knight's ending[edit | edit source]

As we all know, upon climbing into the van Bats is fear gassed, and then proceeds to hallucinate the van getting hit and then ending up in Crime Alley for a Joker-fest. I have proposed that the collision is in fact the last real thing in the game, being Red Hood's attempt to rescue Bats. This is the evidence room.

  • Bats gasses Scarecrow with his own toxin, and it works. Crane's bio in this very game notes that he's immune to fear as a result of his experiments - not to fear toxin, to the very emotion of fear. What's more, Crane knows his and yet in the ending he fights against being injected. It's almost as if... it's not quite real.
    • Scarecrow somehow manages to get a van all the way to the Asylum, requiring it to go through at least one roadblock and a still-populated section of the city. Plus, somehow Alfred is able to monitor the van well enough to notice that Hood's following. And if Hood can follow a van, then Nightwing - who is in the city and very much active - can too, and he definitely wouldn't let Bats go through with it. And if Alfred is capable of tracking the van, why not just send Nightwing there in the Batwing during Scarecrow's monologue?
We know
  • Red Hood follows the van all the way to the Asylum for some reason, instead of intercepting it elsewhere. His logo is painted nearby when Bats enters so he definitely knows about the origin point. And if he had been following it all the way, why didn't he intervene before Scarecrow whips the mask off. Why doesn't he just headshot the bastard? The DLC shows he gives no fucks about killing - but Bats wouldn't be able to accept Red's redemption if he kept on killing people, so his subconscious just has Crane disarmed. Not to mention, Hood is shown to make the shot from outside, when the guard towers in Arkham East have no shots into the main lobby of the mansion. And Ivy's plants are still shown to be everywhere, so it's not like the windows are available anyway.
He's either Deadshot, or not real
  • Drawing on Batman Begins, the whole point of Batman is that he's a symbol of fear. In the free-roam after the ending, almost all of the local chatter is about the thugs not being afraid of the Batman any more. Then in the 100% ending a "Two-Face Thug" (so say the subtitles) outright says that they're not afraid of the Bat any more. For Brucie, a man who has spent 12 years of his life as the Batman, what could he possibly be more scared of than for it all to have been for nothing?
  • For some reason being injected with fear toxin after dealing with Hamill's shenanigans still doesn't have an effect, when that's not really how fear toxin works. Brucie being immune, managing to force Crane to take some of his own medicine, bringing literally every active criminal in Gotham in and still failing in his mission isn't very good.
  • None of the post-game DLC's reference the reveal, even when they're explicitly marked for spoilers in the menu. Riddler says nothing, despite being set a day afterwards. Penguin says nothing, even though he's just found out that the two people he hates most in the world are one and the same. Only Two-Face says something, this time about "The Bat's not here to save you any more". Not that he's dead, no reference to Bruce Wayne - just that the Bat isn't there. Nightwing is still running about too, even with the fact that formerly being Bruce's ward and moving to Blüdhaven about the same time that Nightwing popped up there puts him under the spotlight. Bruce Wayne = Batman makes figuring out that Dick Grayson = Nightwing pretty easy.
  • How did Scarecrow even get into Pandessa Studios? Sure Babs says her dad's voice was used, but is the Commish really going to tell Crane that he can open the doors? Notably, she doesn't tell you this face to face, instead doing over the gauntlet - which Joker has already been established to manipulate Bats' perception of. How exactly is Robin's cell opened, after the security buff that gets put in place following Henry Adams? Gordon doesn't have permission, Scarecrow sure as fuck doesn't have permission and if Robin was able to open it from the inside he would have done beforehand.
  • Oracle, who manages to find a way to remote control the Militia's drones in about a minute, never seems to think to spoof the broadcast at either end.
  • The whole surrendering to save his allies thing doesn't really fit with Arkham Batman, who is consistently (save for Asylum, but that was early days) characterised as a bit of a cunt. In Origins he's a twat to Alfred and continues being a twat to Gordon even in the post-game Most Wanted mission. In City he has a go at Robin for trying to help, then outright ignores him outside of giving orders in the DLC. Then in Knight he tries to send Nightwing away, despite full well knowing that whatever happens that night affects Blüdhaven too - plus it takes Nightwing being captured and almost killed for him to even admit that he's proud, which - given by his reluctance and Nightwing's reaction - seems to be the first time he's ever said that. He dismisses Robin's attempts to help and locks him in a cell instead of even attempting to reassure him. Arkham Batman would not risk his crusade like that without some sort of plan.

I'm still sorta salty that it's Tim and Babs who get together. You know you've strayed a little from the source material when the match-up hasn't happened in any of DC's I don't fucking know how many universes. Plus no one seems to have addressed the fact that she kills someone. She causes the Arkham Knight's humvee to crash by pepper-spraying the driver. Said driver gets flung about thirty feet on impact - not even like in the Batmobile-pedestrian collision sort of way, which is more Gameplay and Story segregation. Dude's not getting up ever again. Bats doesn't even comment on it, which either means it's not real or Babs has a history of leaving dead people at her crime scenes. Either way proves me right in some way. I mean, look at this and tell me that guy is still alive. He evens refers to it as finding the driver’s body. And given that his response to deducing that Babs caused the crash to remark "clever", I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time she's killed someone. Plus, during the attack on GCPD, Rocksteady was nice enough to give every NPC a reasonable heartrate. The cops and firefighters are nervous, what with the building being attacked by tanks. The civvies from Pyg are terrified. The criminals are all calm, presumably because there isn't an excited status in-game. Aaron Cash is calm, being the level-headed leader who also lived through Asylum. Jack Ryder is calm, but given that he's the Creeper this is to be expected. The odd one out is, of course, Babs - who is also calm. The building she's in is in danger of being blown up and she is completely immobile due to her wheelchair being in pieces on Founder's Island. Why is she calm? Because, as a sociopath, her emotional response is limited.

The Young Justice Review[edit | edit source]

This is more so I can remember the points whenever we get back onto topic 3 (DC). Final rating: 9/10, still salty about the Titan thing.
Good shit:

  1. Pretty neat overall to be honest. About Clone Wars level. Definitely better than this undeserving balls. It's a kids show in the same way that the Scarecrow episode of B:TAS I always mention was a kids show.
  2. Not really a pro or a con, but I spent 10 episodes thinking "I really like Superboy because of he fact that he's a massive twat to everyone", then in episode 10 he gets his alter-ego name, which I forgot was Conner Kent. Fucked me up for a couple of seconds to be honest. Worst bit it is, it doesn't happen often enough to desensitise me because everyone but Miss Martian still calls him Superboy.
  3. So far there's been 2 jokes about the run time, both roughly saying "If only we lived in a world where every problem was solved in 20 minutes."
  4. The series doesn’t even end on a happy note. Yeah literally every ship teased gets basically confirmed, but the scene immediately afterwards has some pretty bad implications.
  5. I mean seriously, the shit this show gets away with just because they say "oh no it didn't really happen". Unless they have an explicit orgy scene I don't know how they can make it any darker for season 3.
    • I mean, Miss Martian mind-rapes at least 4 people (1 guy in season 1, who ends up in a coma for 4 years, 2 aliens in season 2 when she does the Kylo Ren style interrogation, mind-rapes another guy into being a vegetable and is implied to have tried to mind-rape Superboy into not being angry with her when he said he had an issue with her turning people into vegetables.)
    • Plus Deathstroke outright executes two of the main characters. Yeah, it's fake, but for a good five minutes it's played as if they're dead. The fact that Babs was alive all the time in Arkham Knight doesn't reduce the trauma Bats went through seeing her shoot herself. Just because she got better doesn’t mean the Killing Joke was a fun event for anyone.
    • Given that this clip has Babs as Oracle, one can only wonder how long it takes for the Killing Joke to be outright referenced.
  6. Well, season 3 features a young girl being kidnapped, experimented on, and accidentally killed by Black Lightning before the opening titles, so it's safe to say they're enjoying the lack of censors. And the aftermath of an old dude and his wife having their throats slit is shown and a dude gets shot, blood and all, on-screen.

Naughty shit:

  1. Man is injected with a Venom derivative that is vastly more powerful. Man looks like this afterwards. They do not call the chemical Titan. This is wrong.
  2. At no point does anyone address the ethical ramifications of a Martian and a clone that is less than 4 months old not only getting together, but living together with no adult supervision (not counting the asian robot).
  3. Suffers a little from the Round Peg Round Hole problem discussed below, with Miss Martian/Superboy and heavily fucking implied Kid Flash/Artemis. Holy fuck did writing those make we want to kill myself. Fortunately Aqualad gets cucked in the same episode his LI gets introduced, so hey, fuck the fish people. He is literally gone for two months to find out that his best friend is shagging his now ex.
  4. Robin is Dick Grayson. This is a series where the League of Shadows bombs a peace conference between the discount Koreas but having Tim Drake and thus implying that Mr. Todd was killed is too much. Hopefully it'll be Tim in season 3, because a) he's got the Red Robin outfit and b) Spoiler's in it and given how the show's been going so far, he needs someone to shag. Further reading on Spoiler can be done below.
    • Turns out there's a timeskip before season 2 and el Drake is confirmed in episode 1. Not only that, but there's a Robin with a different design in the memorial garden on the Watchtower so apparently Jason was a thing.
Here we see Static off Static Shock, Robin III and "Wonder Girl" alongside the mystery Robin
  1. Turns out that Spoiler's "cameo" in season 2 is even smaller than I imagined, because not only is her identity only revealed via a missing persons poster in the background of a tie-in comic, she has literally one line. I could fucking say the blonde that appears in the background of Batgirl's 2 cameos in season 1 (She's never named, only implied because she knows Robin at school) is Stephanie and no one could prove me wrong.
    • In a related vein, season 2 focuses an awful lot on the OG team, which wouldn't be an issue if the group hadn't doubled in size. Robin III is only a main character in 2 episodes and doesn't even speak in the second one, Wonder girl is only a main character in 1 episode, Bumblebee has 2. Batgirl, notably the third Bat-person to join and the only one whose skills are redundant in the team, is a main character for 2 episodes (one of which features Robin in his non-speaking capacity) and has a lengthy fight against Lobo (with Wonder girl barely contributing). Some dude named Malcolm shows up and I think he's the Alfred of the group. Blue Beetle, Beast Boy and Impulse are the only new characters with any significant airtime.

I'm not like this all the time, I swear.
Having actually read stuff about season 3 and discovering that the so-far released story info is about a meta-human trafficking ring, turns out they can get darker.

Stephanie Brown did nothing wrong[edit | edit source]

Somehow the only member of the Bat Family that has any common sense.

Was nearly wrapped up in the previous rant but we might as well give it its own category. In Rebirth Detective Comics, Stephanie Brown (henceforth known as Spoiler) becomes convinced that Batman is the reason for pretty much all of the villains in Gotham and starts trying to sabotage his crusade (this is after Tim Drake/Red Robin, her boyfriend, is 'killed' (kidnapped by Mr Oz, who fakes his death) and the next villains the Gotham Knights face is the Victim Syndicate, composed of people who were caught in the crossfire of B-man's little fetish). She's right, even if in-universe no one believes her.

  • The Joker - assuming the Red Hood story is accurate, that's caused by B-man. Even if not, he needs Bats to be the Joker.
  • Penguin - the Cobblepot-Wayne feud isn't a thing here, but he did rise to power in the numerous power vacuums that Bats made.
  • Two-face - got targeted for being the Bat's ally.
  • Mr Freeze - Brucie boy takes the place of Ferris Boyle in the New 52.
  • Kite Man - Bats tracks down one of Joker's mechanics during the War of Jokes and Riddles. He convinces him to set up a meeting with Joker, so that B-man can interrupt it and arrest Joker. Riddler finds out about the meeting and pays Kite Man a visit to find out where it is. Kite Man tells Riddler that B-man's going to be there. Then, Bats pops in to pay Kite Man a visit, to find out that Riddler knows that B-man knows about the meeting and is going to ambush both Bats and the Joker. Bats goes in expecting it, fights it off and Riddler works out the Kite Man told B-man. Riddler then kills Kite Man's son with a poisoned kite for betraying him, leading to Kite Man's mental break down and him becoming Kite Man.
  • Clayface - gives Basil the chance to testify against Daggett about the compound he used for the clay stuff initially. Said product is discontinued, but Bats tells Karlo that there's some in the GCPD evidence locker, which results in Basil going after it, getting attacked by guards who are after a bounty on him for preventing him testifying, which results in him getting covered in the compound and going full Clayface.
  • The Wrath - not created per se, but in Detective Comics he attacks a news station to broadcast a threat to B-man. When stopped by Spoiler, he complains that he's not on the A-list of villains and the whole point of the attack was to get Bats to notice him.
  • The Riddler - would've just stayed an information broker had Bats not appeared and piqued his interest.
  • The Colony - basically the Arkham Knight's militia (to the point where I'm convinced the foot soldiers are based off the Arkham Knight) as a special forces group all trained to mimic Batman's moves. These are the guys that get Tim 'killed'.
  • The Victim Syndicate - composed of: A guy that was exposed to Ivy for so long he started exuding poison, one of Scarecrow's initial test subjects that eventually made an 'anti-fear' toxin, someone Clayface dumped in the compound that made him, except they can't control their shape, a guy who was rendered mute by Joker toxin exposure and also lost his family to it and the 'First Victim', who hasn't yet revealed what happened to them.

Basically, Spoiler is right and given the evidence against him, Bats should be thankful all she's doing is breaking the Bat signal every so often.

On the superiority of Detective Comics to Batman[edit | edit source]

Batman is the bad guy in this volume and no one can convince me otherwise.

I had an arc-by-arc break down written by Windows had to fucking update before I saved it, so now we have this.

  • Batman - Started good, got shit, especially with major city-wide events happening every other day. Rebirth Batman makes death extremely cheap (as in Red Hood, Robin and Nightwing all got killed by Bane and got resurrected next issue, and B-man himself got super-punched by an Ivy-controlled Supes and came back to life next issue) and is basically bad choice after bad choice for B-Man, not to mention that he kidnaps Bane's therapist. New 52 gets points for the Court of Owls, Rebirth gets points for Kite Man.
  • Detective Comics - The largest event in this is an Anarky-inspired riot, that was actually fueled by the Mad Hatter's tech. Then it's the Man-bat plague, which lasted about an hour and only affected a block. Everything else in New 52 Detective Comics is Bats being an actual Detective, save for the ending of the Wrath storyline. Then in Rebirth B-man isn't even the main character and gets shut down verbally by Babs and Spoiler, at two different times. Spoiler ends up along the "Batman makes his own villains" line of thinking and just starts messing with the Bat-signal. Babs points out that Bats only let Red Robin make the Gotham Knights so he could watch Batwoman more closely, and given the the Knights ended up with Red Robin presumed dead (actually kidnapped by fucking Mr Oz) and his absence is basically what led to Spoiler going nuts and Batwoman killing Clayface. Even with RR coming back, Spoiler's still convinced that Bats is the source of all the Gotham nutters, and is entirely right within the story.

Let's put it this way: There's a better Batman story arc going on in Deathstroke right now than there is in Batman.

The Drama-Type Plot Rant[edit | edit source]

A poor choice to review films.

It's your fucking turn Lexo you twat. Thor: Ragnarok is in no way shape or form a drama, or trying to be a drama. Even the fucking logo reflects this. Saying it has a drama-type plot but is a comedy makes no sense, because plenty of comedies sound like drama when you just have the plot.

  1. A man and his friend struggle to survive a zombie apocalypse, which results in everyone but the man and his ex dead after a last stand.
  2. A big city cop travels to a small rural town only to discover a conspiracy of murderers who are adamant that the town must win the Village of the Year award.
  3. A suicidal man gathers his friends together to complete a pub crawl before offing himself, only to end up revealing an alien infiltration and subsequently wrecking civilisation.
  4. A man seeks out his father, who promptly dies after revealing that the man has a sociopathic sister. Said sister then assumes her birthright and the man gets home the long way round. Then his home explodes.
  5. A group of fraudulent scientists investigate alleged paranormal events and end up capitalising on the business opportunity, before allowing an ancient god into the world and promptly blowing it up. Of special note is the fact that one of the scientists brings a sedative to a date.
  6. A man discovers he has a daughter and goes on a cross-country road trip with her and his senile mentor, resulting in only the daughter and her friends making it.
  7. Two businessmen debate over the future of the company, while one has a crisis from discovering whose hands his weapons are ending up in.
  8. Crazy clown turns a hospital into his own personal wonderland. Comes with an anti-drugs message.
  9. Man records a party and captures the kooky events that occur afterwards, such as one of the party goers literally exploding after being bitten by a spider.
  10. Businessman tries to redevelop his home city, only for a group of bird-themed rascals in silly masks to get in the way.

I've gone off films a little there, but the point remains that the comedy/drama line isn't in the plot, it's in the execution. Ragnarok's execution was a comedy. Unlike TLJ, Ragnarok was pretty fucking funny (Though to be fair, I didn't even notice half of TLJ's jokes. There's the milk one and... uh... Meanwhile Ragnarok has Thor believing Loki has turned into a business card, Skurge, Des and Troy, the entire Doctor Strange sequence, all of Jeff Goldblum, Valkyrie's heavy drinking, all of Korg and Miek, the really subtle one where Matt Damon, Sam Neill and Luke Hemsworth play Loki, Odin and Thor, respectively (It's subtle because I didn't recognise any of them)). At most, Ragnarok is a dramedy.

  • Alex's Edit: Thats nice mate. I'm up for debating this. Also I have no idea what half these movies are.
  • Brett's Edit: Afraid I agree with Connor on this one. But how did you not recognize Matt Damon.
  • Connor's Edit: Will y'all get yer own hecking rant page, yer messing up me narrative.
  • Connor's Edit 2: Electric Boogaloo: The "films" are:
    1. Shaun of the Dead
    2. Hot Fuzz
    3. The World's End
    4. Thor: Ragnarok
    5. Ghostbusters (1984)
    6. Logan
    7. Iron Man
    8. Batman: Arkham Asylum
    9. Cloverfield
    10. Batman: The Court of Owls

On the biased result of Red vs Blue Season 14 Episode 13 - Death Battle: Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome[edit | edit source]

Unfair match up or fan wanking?

This fucking episode mate, honestly. It's not even a fair match up - it's peak Meta (all AIs and no injuries) vs well below peak Carolina (a dodgy Epsilon, wounds from falling off two [2] cliffs, one of which is confirmed to have put her in a coma till the barely-functional medical unit revived her and hasn't fought anyone on her skill level for a while). Chorus 'Lina displays none of the agility she has in this episode. Peak Carolina (seasons 9-10) barely shows it, using her speed unit to catch up to trucks and not wall-running. Additionally, the Meta isn't stupid enough to just stare at an hologram, especially while it has Delta installed. Peak Carolina beats Maine, off-peak Carolina beats Maine, both Carolina's lose to Maine - though peak 'Lina might be able to win, simply through bleeding Maine out.

On the mis-use of Barbara Gordon’s Batgirl or: How I learned to start worrying and fear for Burnside[edit | edit source]

Worse than Rorshach?

Fun fact: this is the first rant to be spoken before being written down.
Babs’ Batgirl is the only member of the Bat Family to not have a reason to do it. Bruce and Dick lost their parents. Jason was homeless. Tim did it to stop Bats going overboard and then his dad died. Stephanie and Helena did it to spite their fathers. Damien and Cassandra were raised as assassins. Babs had a completely normal upbringing till one day she decides that she wants to be like Batman. Every member of the Bat Family is of questionable mental and moral integrity, some moreso than others *cough* Jason *cough*. But they all have root causes, an excuse that’s somewhat sympathetic. Babs goes out and cripples people for no reason. She doesn’t have any childhood trauma or psychological weanesses. Barbara Gordon is a violent sociopath, who uses the Bat as a way to get away with viciously attacking people. Lady Arkham’s speech from Telltale Batman comes to mind, but I can’t quote her because spoilers. To quote J Jonah Jameson Jr “(s)he’s a menace.” And you know what? That’s why I like her so much. Because Barbara Gordon has less of an excuse than fucking Rorshach of all people. And when she has one bad day she’s likely to end up worse than him. She even has a family history - James Gordon Jr, her brother, is a serial killer and regular Arkham “patient.”
Shame that no one at DC is gonna confront her true nature though. They can have her do that weird selfie pose all they like, but I know the truth.
And I'm proven right by the Hipster run. Volume 1's villain is an AI scan of Babs, created as a reference for the neural interface she uses to walk (why it's in her head and not where she was shot I have no clue). Said scan is basically Ultron, as it's solution to stopping crime is to kill everyone. Then, in Volume 3 a series of events leads up to her having to merge her mind with said AI - and she doesn't change in the slightest. Conclusion: the Ultron-esque murderous AI is in fact just Babs when freed from the limitations of the human form. The fact that merging with the consciousness that was ready to wipe out about 300 people in it's first attack does absolutely nothing to her just demonstrates that the murderbot isn't different to her at all. So, if anything, the run actually boosts my assertions.
And then she gets Penguin’s son burnt up - like 90% of his body and a life of constant pain - and doesn’t care at all. Even Batman seems a little remorseful when he accidentally harms people. Babs turns little Ethan Cobblepot into a Firefly-level burn victim and she doesn’t even acknowledge it.
Sociopaths also tend to have a more uncaring attitude to sex i.e. no romantic attachment. Since the New 52 started Babs has bedded (not explicitly stated but it is only rated T after all):

  1. A guy who only appears in one issue and is implied to have been her boyfriend while she was paralysed.
  2. A criminal she meets as Batgirl.
  3. A police officer.
  4. Luke Fox/Batwing.
  5. Some guy she apparently knew from school.
  6. Ethan motherfucking Cobblepot.

Plus she has a go at Nightwing for not sleeping with her when he pops into Burnside after a break up so bad that he apparently had to move out of Bludhaven for a little bit.
Meanwhile, Deathstroke, a man who claims to receive hundreds of parental DNA analysis's a year, has only nailed 4 people (in current canon, following his 2 reboots):

  1. His wife.
  2. A CIA agent running a brothel in Cambodia.
  3. Some other bitch.
  4. Terra.


And in the very first issue of the new writer’s run her being a socipath is a theory in-universe. Much like the Orks, my Gestalt Field is now capable of altering reality. Maybe if I concentrate RvB S15E10 will disappear from the internet.

The Black Panther Rant[edit | edit source]

The worst MCU film since Thor: The Dark World?

HIV Positives:
1: Andy Serkis.
Niggatives:
1: The We Waz Kangz isn’t even fucking subtle.
2: Wakanda is literally a few aliens away from being out of GotG. Wakanda too OP plz nerf.
3: The “ally says no but turns up out of nowhere at the end” thing happens, only his army somehow makes a surprise appearance in a wide open field.
4: There’s a “WHAT ARE THOSE” joke.
5: Apparently T’Challa is the first king to do outreach, despite the reason he was even dragged into Civil War was an outreach group getting killed.
6: Wakanda, a notoriously xenophobic nation, lets a guy who has never even seen it become king.
7: The entire second half of the film could have been prevented if T'Challa just told everyone that Killmonger's dad was a traitor and that Killmonger himself was buddy-buddy with Klaue.
8: Apparently T’Chaka is at fault for killing his brother in defense of someone else and then not rescuing a child there’s no evidence he knows exists.
9: This was the last chance to introduce the Soul Stone and they didn’t.
10: Killmonger’s buddy cites New York, London and Homg Kong as being ready for the revolution. Only one has an issue with racism.
11: I’d like to see this revolution get past the Hulkbuster, Vision, Ant-Man or Scarlet Witch individually, let alone together as they will fight if it threaten’s the world.
12: Hardly anyone gets any character development. Everett Ross starts out as a CIA agent who made a shady deal with T'Challa and ends as a CIA agent who made a shady deal with T'Challa. T'Challa starts out as Black Panther, King and of the opinion that Wakanda needs to be more active in the world and ends exactly the same. The only development is from M'Baku and its not good. He's introduced in a really cool way, acts like a total badass and when he shows up again he's the comic relief.
13: Wakandan tech isn't even that amazing. They're supposed to be super advanced but their tech - bar the really GotG style ships - is nothing that's not in the MCU already. They have a hover-ship in the 90s, while Howard Stark made a hover-car in the 40s. They use a magic flower or something to give the Black Panther his powers, which are worse than the ones given by Dr Erskine's super-soldier serum - which he made without even knowing of Wakanda's existence. The BP suit assembles itself from inside a tiny space - exactly like the Bleeding Edge armour from the Infinity War trailer.

The Shoes Rant[edit | edit source]

Fashion statement or safety hazard?

I fucking hate how trainers are everywhere in comics now. Figure 1. Rose Wilson. Crime: being a mercenary and wearing trainers instead of combat boots. Figure 2. Barbara Gordon as Batgirl. Crime: somehow finding tiny bright yellow boots and wearing them, plus not having an actual batsuit despite working for the goddamn Batman. Although, a lot of the images coming up are the Arkham Knight outfit so I don't know. I'm pretty sure they're based off Arkham Knight and not vice versa just because none of Arkham Knight's other (non-DLC) costumes are ripped from the comics. Figure 3. Spider-Gwen. Crime: None, just pointing out that she seems to have teal plimsolls, which makes sense for someone doing acrobatic shit. Plus, Spider-man's costume is basically a set of homemade pyjamas, so he gets a pass. Figure 4. Catwoman. One costume I do like, mostly because she has actual fucking boots on. Somehow the leather fetish cat-burglar who specialises in whips makes a practical outfit choice. Figure 5. Red Hood. Crime: Being unable to tell where his trousers end and his boots begin. Red Robin also has this problem. Normal Robin and Batman don't, thankfully. As for Nightwing, I'd like to know which of the 7 lines along his shin is the cutoff point between his trouser and boot. Notably Daredevil, a character who is entirely red, does not have this problem.
Basically, I have issued with the footwear of various Batman-related characters.

The Arkham Origins Rant[edit | edit source]

Worthy of the series?

Have I ever told you how much I hate Arkham Origins? I don't understand how they took Arkham City's perfectly functional combat and fucked it up so badly. Batman's targeting is really weird - try to disarm and destroy the guy with the knife in front of you and end up catapulting halfway across the map to take out the armoured guy with no weapon, so you just take him down and lose the beatdown finisher points. You can't counter mid-animation despite being able to in City and Knight so quickfire batclaw is actually harmful to you in large groups. Speaking of, during the batclaw strike animation you can be hit at any point along the path and the AI seems to know this, because guys near the guy you've pulled will start attacking well before you arrive, so that they hit the moment you get to the guy. Then there's the enforcers who never seemed to get the memo about attack timing. They'll start doing their shit while you're countering someone else and given that some of the animations are weirdly long its possible to get hit the moment you're out of it. And then there's the fact that throw counters are in it and random. In Knight a critical counter is a throw counter if you're pushing the stick in a certain direction. In Origins there's no way of telling whether a counter is a throw or a normal and because thrown guys knock down other guys it's far too common to have everyone else knocked down by the thrown guy and your combo ruined because you're timing everything to critical strikes so the moment you make contact with the guy you press X, only for there to be no targets there by the time you've finished punting the guy across the room. That's why I play Deathstroke so much - because his animations are a lot quicker than Batman's and so he's a lot easier to play.
And the fucking Bane fight, where the aforementioned being unable to counter mid-animation thing gets combined with Bane not being staggered by stun means that unless you started the ultra stun early enough, he gets a free hit - that is, provided it even registers the third button press for stun. And his charge which can't be directly evaded and he's capable of changing the direction of mid-run, meaning it's nigh-impossible to avoid. And if you get thrown into a fucking wall then he bounces off it and gets a hit on you while you're still mid-animation recovering from the last one. I fucking hate the Bane fight and it amazes me that nearly 5 years after release, they never patched it.
Deathstroke's one is pretty good though.

One of the Steven Moffat Rants[edit | edit source]

Bad enough to make me forget to put it in black and white?

We should celebrate getting rid of Moffatt at New Year's. Did you know that Chris Chibnall wrote 6 episodes of Doctor Who? (42, The Hungry Earth, Cold Blood, Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, the Power of Three and the Magician's Apprentice (for some reason credited, despite only being the creator of (characters: "Blowfish"))) Of those 42 is fucking fantastic, Hungry Earth/Cold Blood are pretty good, Dinosaurs on a Spaceship got fucked by the budget (like many a Who episode) but did give us Mitchell and Webb as robots and had a pretty neat character arc with Rory's dad getting over his fear of travel, the Power of Three was... forgettable and I don't even know who Blowfish is so I can't really say. You know what all of these have in common? Good, likeable characters and plots that aren't Bat Deduction level absurdity. Plus he wrote 8 episodes of Torchwood and made Broadchurch. Does that count as the weekly rant?

The YA Fiction Rant[edit | edit source]

You know what I don't understand? Young Adult fiction, or YA for short. As the target demographic for YA, I fucking hate it. I don't wanna read/watch people getting all huffy duffy about feelings or shit. I wanna see literally anything but that. I wanna see the Careers hunting down and butchering all the other District's kids. I want Percy Jackson to go blood bender on someone (for the record, A:tLA was entirely produced in America and is thus not an anime - plus I've never watched it, just heard about it and the tiny cunt that occupies the bed above me watched through it all like three times in the past year) not molest Annabeth in a fucking bubble. Artemis Fowl was good for it - no love interests for anyone, Artemis and Holly get a little frisky during one event but that's it (probably just because she's a metre tall, but still - also, I haven't actually read the last one but a brief wikipedia overview tells me that yes, there are no love interests) and aside from the eye incident don't really touch each other unless absolutely necessary. Alex Rider's LI is literally a minor character who is only present in like 3 of the books (Point Blanc might also be the source of the clone stuff, going back through it - it ends with him fighting his clone then one of them falls off a ledge or something and dies but it doesn't say which one (it's obviously the fucking clone because this is book 2 out of 11)). Hunger Games was (in the books at least) going in the right direction, in that LIs are only good as a deconstruction of what they typically are - Katniss explicitly doesn't like Peeta even as a friend that much and only refuses to kill him because a) he gave her bread a while ago b) she doesn't want her sister to know she killed someone. Then in Mockingjay them being LIs is literally only a PR move by the resistance (the book is far, far better than the film just for the fact that PR management is half the fucking story) and she explicitly prefers Gale - then the fucking ending swings around and she's with Peeta, making every deconstruction of the past 3 novels utterly fucking pointless. That's like Watchmen not having the 35 minutes ago bit.

The Justice League Rant[edit | edit source]

what the fuck even was Justice League? A summary:
Pros:
1: Wonder Woman was pretty neat, again.
2: The Batsuit looks pretty cool up until he puts the goggles on, but they go after a few minutes so it doesn't count.
3: Superman actually acts like Superman (not a spoiler Henry Cavill has been in every promo tour they've done.)
4: The second post-credits scene is fucking awesome.
4a) The logo for Arkham is the one from Arkham City
4b) Eisen-Luthor actually acts like Lex Luthor, which makes him immediately 500% better.
4c) DEATHSTROKE THE TERMINATOR.
5: Superman gets ice breath finally.
6: The John Williams Superman theme gets a little edge in, as does the 1989 Batman theme.
Whether we wanted it or not, we've stepped into a war with the Cabal on Mars. So let's get to taking out their command, one by one. Valus Ta'aurc. From what I can gather he commands the Siege Dancers from an Imperial Land Tank outside of RubiCON(s). He's well protected, but with the right team, we can punch through those defenses, take this beast out, and break their grip on Freehold:
1: The Superman theme from MoS and BvS: DoJ isn't present, and neither is the Batman theme from BvS: DoJ.
2: WW uses her bracer AoE attack on one person at the beginning, when she has a crowd of civvies behind her.
3: It turns into fucking Lord of the Rings at some point, with WW talking about the Mother Boxes being scattered between the Amazonians, the Atlantians and "the tribes of men" after a big ol' fight involving them all, and the Old Gods.
4: Steppenwolf taunts WW by saying the Old Gods died, apparently oblivious to the fact that she killed Ares, the guy that killed the Old Gods. Clearly WW > Ares > Old Gods > Steppenwolf, but since Ares is part of the Old Gods it slims down to WW > Ares > Steppenwolf.
4: Cyborg says the Mother Box from the tribes of men was shelved until Superman died, but it was used to make him into Cyborg... before Superman died.
5: Aquaman's backstory is reeled out by some unnamed sea bint inside a bubble after he goes to Atlantis for some reason... but he was kicked out the Queen as a kid or something? I genuinely have no fucking clue what his backstory is.
6: Barry Allen is allegedly "staying off the grid", despite visiting his father regularly. Plus, his dad is played by Billy Crudup, or Doctor Manhattan, thus ruining the joke they could have had with Grant Gustin.
7: Batman just suddenly has the idea to resurrect Superman with a Mother Box, despite not even knowing what it does. Plus, he does it inside the chamber that made Doomsday so Christ-allegory knows what he's thinking.
8: You know how the last film was literally titled Batman v Superman? Well they fight a little bit more in this as well, and end up proving that the league is kinda useless if Superman's around.
9: The only people to make a meaningful contribution to the ending fight were Superman and Cyborg. Batman goes Arkham Knight Batmobile for a little bit, WW cuts up a couple of Parademons and the Flash pushes a couple of guys but... that's it. Cyborg gives Superman an opening to pull the Mother Boxes apart, after Superman has utterly thrashed Steppenwolf. So really Superman does everything and the others don't even deal with the adds that well because there's still a load of them that nibble on Mr. Wolf after his axe gets broken. Superman repeatedly displays the ability to outpace the Flash, so Flash is entirely useless. Even in the Avengers the normies were somewhat useful. Widow pokes the portal generator and Hawkeye serves as a villain for part of the film. Plus, the others are on damage control while Iron Man flies the nuke up, hence the really low death count in Civil War. The League are the ones doing the fucking damage.
10: The end's a bit anti-climatic. Superman shows up, punches Steppenwolf a total of three times (without getting hit himself) and pulls apart some boxes, then Steppenwolf gets nibbled by the Parademons because apparently they feed off fear, then he gets Boom Tubed out of there. Then that's it.
11: Superman spends a few hours just moping about in the fields outside the Kent house after being resurrected, seemingly just so he can make a dramatic entrance at the end.
12: Supergirl is confirmed canon by a tie-in comic to MoS (she was the pilot onboard the Kryptonian scout ship Supes gets his suit off, hence why it has Jor-El and a House El suit inside. Does no one give a shit about her? Will I get to see her and Ezra Miller do a musical on the silver screen?
13: You know how in the Avengers there was a substantial build up to them fighting together, and how only Cap and Iron Man actually worked together before New York (if getting beat up by Thor and pushing a turbine counts as working)? The League fight together within the first hour with no build up at all, without including Superman who is resurrected just over half way in and proceeds to do (Point 11).
14: Bruce Wayne publicly declares his desire to build a superhero team in front of an Icelandic village, and then loudly discussed being Batman with Aquaman inside the town as well. Plus, the town's awfully poor for Iceland, the only country where 93.5% of the population has internet access - the best in the world and these stats are from 2009.
15: More as I remember them.
16: They used fucking STEPPENWOLF. I'd never even heard of Steppenwolf before it turned out he was in this. Darkseid is mentioned by name once and not even as a character ("For the Unity, for Darkseid" Steppenwolf says, in a voiceover after sending the Parademons out.)
17: WW calls Superman Kal-El, despite the fact the only person who knows that is Superman himself.

The Ashes Rant[edit | edit source]

Also, is Ashes a little hard to take seriously? It sounds like it's being sung by a child. Not Creepy Child like in Drunken Whaler, just a normal child. Plus Extraction and Falling Towards the Sky have an 11-12 year old, depending on when exactly they were recorded, and they sound alright.

The Freelancer Armour mini-rant[edit | edit source]

As we've discussed before, Freelancer armour is basically a cosplay so North is lifting those rifles with just his own strength. Guns are pretty heavy, so I have to wonder how much North lifted. Plus South is probably anorexic. She seems like the kinda person that would eat en entire cake then purge like 30 minutes afterwards. Look at her. I never noticed the pink dye before. And from here on it it devolves into RWBY nicking Corvo's jacket.

The Transformers 5 Rant[edit | edit source]

what the fuck even was transformers 5? A summary.
Pro-tectobots:
1: Lennox is a swell guy.
2: Megatron and Barricade survive.
3: Megatron's design is sick as fuck.
4: Anthony Hopkins was alright.
5: Anthony Hopkins mentions an Arnold and this makes me very happy.
6:Uh...
Decepti-cons:
1: Why the fuck were they cyber-forming earth in AOE if it's Unicron?
2: Why were the Quintessons organic in AOE?
3: How is Cybertron still around after being disintegrated in DOTM?
4: Ironhide's arrival was explicitly shown in 1.
5: How do the Knights combine into the dragon if Optimus cuts a couple of them in half?
6: Despite being called "The Great Deceiver" by the Knights, the fact that they even exist, that there's 12 of them or that any of it works means Quintessa was telling at least part of the truth.
7: Why are ancient Cybertronians defending Unicron of all things?
8: They detect Cybertron's arrival by how it affects gravity, so why isn't the planet ripped apart immediately?
9: The fact that the ship that's buried in a mountain with its engines sticking out isn't called the Ark.
10: Where did the little Dinobots come from? Who did Grimlock shag?
11: Where are the other Dinobots?
12: Why is Grimlock even more retarded than usual?
13: Where were the Dinobots during the final battle?
14: Why is Canopy so weak? Why does Bumblebee just fall apart when hit by small-arms fire?
15: Do I have to call Bumblebee the Iron Giant now? Iron bee? Bumble giant?
16: Unicron seems pretty fucking dead alreay.
17: How come Unicron didn't do anything when the Allspark crashed on him?
18: How does Lennox recognise Megatron despite his voice very clearly changing from Hugo Weaving to Frank Welker?
19: Why is he called Megatron now, given the "I AM GALVATRON!" shit he did in AOE?
20: How comes Megatron has no kibble when in robot mode?
21: We still have Samurai Prime and that fucks me off rightly.
22: Drift.
23: Wheelie.
24: How exactly is remaking Cybertron right next to Earth gonna kill Unicron?
25: Where was Quintessa during DOTM, when the exact same thing happened?
26: "I am Optimus Prime." is said 5 times, 6 if you include the broadcast.
27: How do all the Cybertronians somehow know that A) Unicron is Earth, B) They can remake Cybertron using Earth somehow and C) Where Earth is?
28: Why was one of the Knights off-planet, and why did he come back?
29: Wheelie.
30: Nemesis Prime isn't black.
31: Nemesis Prime isn't a separate character.
32: Out of all the fucking Decepticons they haven't used, they make up "Mohawk", "Dreadbot" and "Beserker"? They used Onslaught, why not the rest of the Combaticons? No one's going to a give a shit if Brawl comes back, given that Barricade also posses the ability to come back mysteriously. Even just off the top of my head, they could have had: Vortex, Swindle, Motormaster, Skywarp, Thundercracker, Punch/Counter-punch, Sixshot, Scourge, Cyclonus.
33: What happened to Cemetery Wind from AOE? They were exactly the same as the TRF but had a far cooler name?
34: Why is a guy from NEST allowed to work with the TRF?
35: Wheelie.
36: Hot Rod, as always, is a colossal twat.
37: Hot Rod was the only new Autobot added. Off the top of my head we have: Air raid, Silverbolt, Skyfire, Ultra Magnus, Cliffjumper, Red Alert, Wheeljack (Q from DOTM doesn't count), Elita-1, Punch/Counter-punch, Springer.
38: This IMDB page.
39: This Dog.
40: After AOE was incredibly blatantly only set in China to market it there, are we the target group for TLK?
41: In the grim darkness of the 41st Millennium, there is only war.
42: if Unicron is weak enough to have his horns shifted by his own tectonic plate movement, is he really a threat?
43: Bumble-giant straight up murders that little fly transformer.
44: Why didn't Optimus go protoform to get to Cybertron?
45: Why was the green knight in a ship instead of being a protoform?
46: Optimus says that Earth is the only planet whos people let him call it home, despite the fact that for the last 2 movies they've been hunting his people down and exterminating them, in one case to make a commercial product and in DOTM sent them off just because Megatron said so.
47: so is the Allspark not a thing now?
48: What about the 12 Primes? Where do they fit in? Quintessa isn't one of them since the Fallen didn't kill her.
49: Why would the primes try to harvest Sol if Earth was Unicron and apparently every fucking Cybertronian knows it?
50: Wheelie.
51: Without the Matrix, how are they gonna shut down Unicron, if he's even alive what with the non-response to A) the Allspark, B) the Fallen harvesting Sol, C) Cybertron being Space-Bridged in, D) the SEEEEEEEEEED and E) Cybertron 2: electric boogaloo?
52: This Sequence.

The "Delilah Copperspoon did nothing wrong" Rant[edit | edit source]

Hello. Today I'm here to argue that Delilah Copperspoon's attempted coup was in fact a good thing.
1: She took the Mark of the Outsider from Corvo Attano. As noted in the novel "Dishonored: The Corroded Man", the having the Mark left Corvo feeling hollow, almost less than human. For his long-term health, losing the Mark was a good thing.
2: Emily Kaldwin, during the coup, began to reflect on who she was as a leader, and, as stated upon interacting with the rubber stamp in Dr. Alexandria Hypatia's office in the Addermire Institute, she believes now that she should have taken even the more boring parts of ruler-ship more seriously.
3: The coup not only helped to weed out potential traitors within the City Watch (e.g. Mortimer Ramsey) but it also demonstrated the loyalty of two of the Empire of the Isles dominons, Morley and Tyvia, both of which are mentioned to be refusing to accept Delilah's authority - and even declare war upon her regime.
4: After the disaster that was her rein (after about a month Dunwall is worse state than it was during the Rat Plague), people will appreciate Emily a lot more. Plus, the majority of her opponents are dead thanks to the Crown Killer aka Grim Alex aka Dr. Alexandria Hypatia, while Emily herself is, if anything, considered to be victim of the overall killings as well.
5: After experiencing the conditions of the people of Karnaca first-hand, Emily resolves to aid them. Canonically, she saves Stilton during the events of a Crack in the Slab, thus making the workers far better off - and reducing Paolo's influence to little more than that of a common gang. It is unknown what happens to Vice Overseer Byrne in this timeline.
6: Duke Luca Abele is canonically replaced by his body double, rendering Karnaca in general better off - it should be noted that this is not confirmed, but inferred by the lack of reference to a new Duke in Death of the Outsider.
7: Kirin Jindosh, Grand Inventor of Karnaca is dead - how is not specified - as a man whose most notable contributions to technology were the Clockwork Soldiers and an incredibly dangerous house, his loss is if anything a boon to the empire.
8: Anton Sokolov shifts his retirement to Morley (or Tyvia, I can't remember) to open an academy of the arts there, spreading his own remarkable knowledge.
9: By altering the past during Crack in the Slab, Emily restores the arm and eye of Meagan Foster aka Billie Lurk. This enables the events of Death of the Outsider - though this may also be considered a negative, given the requirement for an Outsider.

The Slow Time Question[edit | edit source]

Do you ever wonder how choking people out works in Stop Time? They're not breathing anyway, 'cause, you know, time's stopped. What difference does putting your arm around their neck for a few seconds make? And if you pull them into your time-stream when you grab them, does that make everyone you grab a few seconds older than they should be? If Corvo just spams Piero's Remedy/Addermire Solution could he reach old age while entirely in Stop Time? Did the Outsider decide how much Mana each ability costs? Will Mana regenerate like it does in DotO now that he's gone? It's already confirmed that Emily (the canon Marked) is unaffected by him popping off, so will she just suddenly start regenerating Mana? Since the Outsider doesn't decide who is Marked or what abilities they get now, does that make NG+ the canon playthrough for Emily? If the Outsider can travel back through time, and has shown the ability to do so with Stilton's Mansion, that means he has some way to return to the future as well. Could he have gone to the future and seen that he isn't in it? If he truly knows everything he knows why there NEEDS to be an Outsider, yet he still does nothing when Daud & Billie come for him - he even encourages her. Why does this ancient being, so far above human emotion that he hands out superpowers just to see what people do with them, fully expecting them to abuse them like Daud did, want to die/be freed from the Void? Is Delilah now fully trapped in her painting, retroactively making Dishonored 2 canonically end lethally? Dishonored 1 does - Corvo exposes the Lord Regent, then executes him at his trial. Is that really Emily's vault at Michaels Bank? How did Jindosh die? Where is the still Piero uses to make his remedy, and why is he mass producing it if the servants aren't even allowed to light a lantern at night? How does it get around the city? How does a mask keep people from recognising Corvo's coat/fighting style, especially given that he escapes and the masked felon appears within a day of each other? Why was Corvo allowed to keep his coat when at Coldridge? Where did Daud get his snazzy red Whaler's outfit? Why does he expect to be betrayed, when his follower's power increase in strength the more loyal they are to him? Why could Billie use her powers up until the moment Delilah appeared? I dunno man, but it keeps me up at night.

The Round Peg Round Hole Rant[edit | edit source]

You know what pisses me off? When a guy and a girl are friends in something and it's expected that they'll fuck at some point. Why? It happens with Tali and Garrus if you don't romance them, it happened to Carolina and Wash. It happened in the Killing Joke film. It just comes out of nowhere that they gotta fuck just cause they got a round peg and round hole. It annoys the fuck out of me. It's like some higher fucking force determined that they gotta frick no matter the outcome on the storyline, or whether it's needed or not. It's only acceptable in a lampshaded sort of way.